Dear Amy: I am married to a wonderful woman. She is attractive, cheerful and friendly, and is liked by virtually everyone – including a lot of other men.
Several of my wife’s male friends phone her several times a day and send her instant messages and e-mails every day. Lots of women like her, too, and she gets about 100 personal e-mails every day.
She has deeply personal conversations with some of her male friends, including details of our marriage and some of its problems.
I have never heard of a man who phones a woman several times a day purely in the interest of friendship. There have been numerous instances in the past when men apparently misinterpreted her friendliness and made open romantic advances that led to very unpleasant situations.
I don’t think I am a naturally jealous or possessive person, but this is slowly driving me crazy and threatens to wreck our marriage.
My wife is not young, and she is quite intelligent and perceptive about most things, but she acts naive about this.
I suspect that she is not as naive as she claims to be and that she enjoys this attention from other men, but she becomes very upset if I accuse her of that.
Am I being unreasonable? Where should married people draw the line in terms of friendship with the opposite sex?
– Tired of Being Jealous
Dear Tired: Your wife seems to have a great stake in her many relationships – except, perhaps, in the one she shares with you.
The way to stem your jealousy is to take hold of the reins of your marriage and insist that your wife gives you some straight answers about these relationships. The ideal venue for initiating these conversations is in the office of a seasoned marriage counselor.
I can’t say exactly what is acceptable in terms of opposite-sex friendships in marriage. A general rule of thumb is that spouses should feel comfortable enough with these friendships that they would happily invite a spouse’s opposite-sex friend to the house for dinner and the spouse would welcome the idea.
I’m not saying that spouses need to share these close friendships, but that these friendships shouldn’t cause strife.
…
Dear Amy: This is in response to the mother who wants to have children but her husband doesn’t.
Do not have a child without his agreement.
I was not wanted and suffered the ill effects of depression for many years. My brother told his wife, “No kids,” and she did it anyway. As a consequence, my nephew was put up for adoption. The child my brother did “let” her keep, he refused to pay child support for, and now he pays it, reluctantly.
On the other hand, my sister waited 13 years before her husband said he was ready. They are expecting their first soon. He is now very excited and ready for this child.
Love your husband, play with and spoil other people’s children, work in your church nursery, but please, please do not have a baby if he is not willing.
– I’ve Been the Rejected Child
Dear Rejected: Thank you so much for sharing your important point of view. I especially appreciate your suggestion that eager prospective parents should honor their dreams by reaching out to children in their family and their community. Be a coach, an after-school mentor, or big brother or sister. Relieve exhausted parents by baby-sitting their infant for a night.
Getting to know children in this way isn’t a substitute for parenting – these experiences have unique joys all their own.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
