The movies have switched places with television.
In years past, it was the TV programmers who wrote off summer as the season of repeats, retreads and recycled ideas. You could leave your TV set on from Memorial Day to Labor Day and sit back for an almost reassuring absence of change.
Now the multiplex is the new summer TV.
Much of what we will see on film this coming hot season is the celluloid equivalent of reruns. Hollywood is risking fewer and fewer of its big budgets on new ideas, falling back instead on sequels, comic books, updates of old movies, and, come to think of it, TV itself. From “The Dukes of Hazzard” to “The Honeymooners,” many of the high-profile film projects for summer are remakes of once-beloved small screen shows.
Following are some examples. Readers will be forgiven if, halfway through, they mistake the list for a back issue of TV Guide.
The mid-May kickoff of summer movie spirit begins with Episode III, or is it Episode No.47, of “Star Wars,” dubbed “Revenge of the Sith.” Anticipation builds with demonic repossession in “Exorcist: Dominion,” then reaches a peak with a remake of a classic – “The Longest Yard.” Right.
Bring on June, you say? Then unlock memories of “The Honeymooners,” only with Cedric The Entertainer driving the bus; “Batman Begins” in an attempt to revive a set of fangs now long in the tooth; “Herbie Fully Loaded,” because we never stopped loving the Love Bug; “Bewitched,” because “McMillan & Wife” is still in development; “George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead,” because a zombie franchise never dies; and “War of the Worlds,” which has already received book, radio and who knows what else treatment.
July holds relative relief, at least in numbers. “Fantastic Four” is completely different from the comic book, they promise. “Dark Water” is a remake of a recent Japanese horror hit, but hey, it’s completely new because … it’s in English. The biggest news about “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” is the remake may be far weirder than the bizarre original. And they couldn’t leave a rugged hit like “Bad News Bears Alone.” Gosh, it’s been decades.
We’ll skip any mention that would dignify the “Deuce Bigalow” sequel in August. But we can’t ignore “The Dukes of Hazzard” that month, not with Jessica Simpson and those cutoff denims sure to become the summer icon of ’05. And then a final indignity, Steve Martin’s audacious recycling of “The Pink Panther.”
Don’t take my whining too seriously. Some of these could be great fun. I wouldn’t bet against Steven Spielberg, even if his “War of the Worlds” doesn’t match Orson Welles doing H.G. Wells. In my book, Cedric The Entertainer reading the Yellow Pages would be funnier than Jackie Gleason. “Dark Water” looks thrilling, and the “Bad News Bears” trailer cracked me up.
But it’s hard to avoid critiquing Hollywood’s mindless seasonality. It’s not just summer that seems to have become a rigidly programmed format for movies. The whole Hollywood calendar is more predictable than ever, even as TV’s seasons become far less so.
January and February are for dumping Oscar-unworthy leftovers on a distracted public. Late winter and early spring are for tepid romantic comedies and a growing zombie legion of formulaic horror movies, each guaranteed a $50 million to $75 million take from dedicated scare fans. May is the test of a few potential blockbusters.
In September, the quality season begins, as big-budget Hollywood Oscar hopefuls set their release dates, and indie movies with buzz from the festival seasons pick their spots for getting the most attention. Late November to Christmas is a frenzy of so many good films that the overload actually infuriates holiday-weary moviegoers rather than excites them.
TV, meanwhile, adapts itself to reality. Networks started launching new series in the summer dead zone, precisely because everything surrounding them was so predictable. Executives invented new sports, and put them on the air. Niche channels popped up to probe every interest, and, surprise, some of them became mainstream hits.
There are potential solutions, starting at $100 million. And what’s $100 million to a studio?
DVD sales should be broadening our summer possibilities. Yes, a $150 million marquee film can make $500 million in disc sales. But commissioning 10 riskier $10 million ideas – there’s your $100 million – will likely return $200 million in DVD sales these days, and that’s still a great return.
Summer is a holiday of the mind, but that doesn’t mean Hollywood deserves 90 days of undisturbed rest. Give us a little more creativity, keep the air conditioning on, and we can all enjoy a hot season road trip back to Thrillsville.
Staff writer Michael Booth can be reached at 303-820-1686 or mbooth@denverpost.com.
