Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years. We both have good jobs and, even though we each live with our parents, are pretty much independent.
I have been thinking about moving out of my parents’ house this summer, and my boyfriend is ready to do the same.
It seems to make sense that we should move in together, because we’ve been dating for so long and do plan to get married in the future. The only thing is that I don’t know how to bring this up to my parents; I don’t know when the timing might be right or how to deal with their reaction, whether it is positive or negative.
Should I just bite the bullet and tell them, or is there a more tactful way to approach this? Please tell me if I am making a mountain out of a molehill – I’ve been known to overanalyze things before.
– JM in New York
Dear JM: Well – analyze this.
Living with your boyfriend because the timing might be right and it “seems to make sense” is a pretty poor reason to cohabit.
Going from your parents’ home straight into a live-in relationship could be harder on you and your boyfriend than it is on your parents.
That you can’t even bring yourself to raise this to your parents as a possibility tells me that you aren’t quite ready for primetime.
Definitely move out. But definitely find yourself a roommate other than your boyfriend. You will learn and change so much during this phase of your life; these lessons will make you a more independent and responsible adult, without forcing the issue of cohabitation before you are both ready.
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Dear Amy: I have been dating a guy for the past six months. He says he likes me but does nothing to show it. He is a 30-year-old law student and has very limited funds and time. I fully understand that and am a very low-maintenance girl about material stuff.
Valentine’s Day came, and he just blew it off, saying he was too caught up in his schooling. My birthday came, and he had to go back home for the weekend, saying he was too exhausted from all of his law school tests.
He says he will buy me a gift in May, when he travels to Mexico for a vacation.
I know his parents are going through some marital difficulties, and I don’t know if this is an issue. He has started to denigrate all women, saying they are too demanding. He says his true joy in life is traveling and eating in expensive restaurants. His parents subsidize his lifestyle. When we go out to eat, I always pay my half.
He has talked about becoming intimate, but I have told him I don’t sleep around, and I will only have a relationship with someone I believe is committed to me.
Am I wasting my time with him? My mother says he is not really interested and will dump me when he is finished with school. I am 29 and ready to settle down. I want a loving, caring relationship. I don’t want to feel used. Should I stop paying for my half of our dates? I am very attracted to him, but I am beginning to wonder why.
– Really Confused in N.Y.
Dear Confused: The only way to judge your guy is through his actions. From what you say, he isn’t very appealing and also doesn’t seem to care about you. I’m sorry, but his actions tell me that he’s just not that into you.
This is not really about who picks up the check. This is about your lacking the will to break up with someone who denigrates women. That is absolutely intolerable, and I hope you’ll tell him that, right before you break off this relationship.
At least you didn’t have sex with him. Yuck.
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