Q: My husband and I have been dealing with infertility issues for more than two years. We try to maintain a realistic yet positive attitude and have promised not to let our situation affect interactions with others.
My sister-in-law and both of my sisters are pregnant. It was hard for them to tell me the news, but each was sensitive and careful. Recently, a dear friend found out that she is probably pregnant. She called to tell me, and I was genuinely happy for her. We spoke for several minutes about her news.
She then asked me to tell her how I was doing with our situation. The unfortunate truth was that things were going terribly. I shared this information and poured my heart out. As we finished the conversation, we again talked about her good news. I told her how sorry I was to have dominated the conversation. She told me that she understood and wanted to be there for me.
The next morning, she called again. Her exact words were: “I feel ripped off. I have always been happy for you and can’t believe that you are not happy for me. It was my special day, and you took it away from me.”
She told me she had an “emotional hangover” from the burden I caused. I had no intention of downplaying her happy moment and said nothing but nice things. Was it insensitive of me to share the details of my hardship?
Lily: You weren’t insensitive. When I miscarried a few years ago, I couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing a baby. I couldn’t go to the mall without seeing a pregnant woman.
My husband and I have since been blessed with a baby boy. But at the time, I wanted it all to be about me – and I didn’t understand why people didn’t understand this.
Believe your friend when she tells you she had an emotional hangover, but not because of anything you said or did. In my case, my hormones were going every which way. I was on an emotional roller coaster; I cried at Hallmark commercials and accused my poor husband of all sorts of tonterias after watching a tabloid TV show on husbands who cheat.
You and your husband seem like awesome gente who deserve respect for taking the high road even in not-so-good times.
Catherine: You didn’t do anything wrong by sharing, but it might be a good rule not to discuss your own issues with friends who just found out they are pregnant. This way, even the perception of your trying to dominate the conversation would disappear.
Consider apologizing again to your friend. You didn’t do anything wrong, but assure her that you can see why she felt upset. Letting her know that you want to be there for her could patch up an invaluable friendship.
Danny: She shared, she asked; you shared, and she got drunk on too much reality. The insensitivity here comes from your friend.
It sounds like your querida amiga tried to lessen her own discomfort about disclosing her pregnancy to you by asking about your situation – without caring about your response or expecting much of one. This doesn’t make her a bad friend, just a finger-pointing one.
Move forward and avoid the details of your situation with her for the next nine months. Maintain your positive attitude, for that’s what life is all about. Good things will come, so stay strong and have faith.
Glossary
tonterias: foolishness
gente: people
querida amiga: beloved friend
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