Dear Class of 2005:
Congratulations on your college graduation. Your parents are so proud that they throw you parties and shower you with gifts. They appear to beam with pride now that you are “entering the real world.” They and their friends continually offer you advice on how to “cope” with your new adventure of facing the world on your own.
Well, I have been through this scenario before and my advice is not to cope, but rather attack the premise of your parents’ suggestion. Cope with the real world? What are they really saying? “Get out of our house! You’re on your own. We’re done with you.”
That’s not pride on their faces, it’s selfishness. This is supposed to be your day – a celebration of your milestone achievement. Instead, this is a stealth house-cleaning party – Parental Independence Day, veiled behind a smokescreen of hugs, back slaps and gifts of furniture for your new apartment.
Such deceit!
So, reject their subversive attempts. Who set this arbitrary schedule for coping with the real world? Take your time. Graduation Day is an artificial excuse for action, like “because I said so” or “weapons of mass destruction.” If you are truly emancipated, then you, and only you, decide if, when and how you step forward.
The real world can be ugly, mean and expensive. Your parents know this, because they were forced there themselves. If they truly loved you, they would not now re-commit the egocentric sins of their parents.
“Oh, the places you’ll go”? Forget it. You don’t have to go anywhere. You know where you’ve already been, and it’s comfy enough there to warrant a trip back. But this time, you’ll be in control. Remember when they wouldn’t let you out of the house dressed like that? Or borrow the car? No brownies before Brussels sprouts? Well no more. You make the rules, and it’s pay-back time.
Don’t be afraid to dazzle your parents with your new, college-learned, advanced logic skills. Just watch them when you say, “Now I am finally mature enough to make my own decisions (as you have told me so many times recently), so I must be mature enough to decide to live in your basement.” In unison, their heads will slowly tilt to one side like dogs hearing a distant unexplained noise. What could be more fun than that?
When you move back into your parents’ home, be sure to eat the food in their fridge, run up their long-distance telephone bill, and leave your belongings stored in their attic with no plans to retrieve them … ever. Don’t be bashful about complaining about the conditions around the house. Too few cable channels? Only one flavor of ice cream in the freezer? What is this place, communist Russia? Contribute nothing to the mortgage or grocery bills and never offer to help with the chores. In short, live their dream now: Retirement.
Whoever wrote, “You can never go home again” certainly never experienced the true joy of being 30 and living in his parents’ basement. Be the envy of your fellow newly minted alumni, not by getting the best job, but by being the most nestled couch potato. Change the dynamic of our peer-pressure culture by eating carbs, not exercising and really getting into “The Rockford Files” reruns.
This new approach is actually a great technique for keeping your parents active as they age. With you at home, they won’t want to be. They will work longer hours and retire later in life. They will seek any excuses to keep them away from the house. Frankly, they will owe you a debt of gratitude for helping them avoid the array of ailments that go hand-in-hand with a sedentary lifestyle. Coincidentally, by working later in life, they will earn more money for your inheritance.
Despite all of these amazing positive impacts, your parents may not accede to your plan willingly. It may become necessary to remind them that you will control access to their grandchildren, and you will ultimately decide which nursing home they will enter … and whether the bills get paid in full.
Cope with the real world? Naaaah! Let your parents do the coping. They’ve been doing it for years – they’re experts!
Good luck. We’re all rooting for you.
Tom Downey is a Denver writer.
