Dear Amy: My brother constantly holds my 8-year-old daughter. He carries her in his arms at any given time. I have insisted to him that she is too old to hold and carry like this.
His response is that she is petite and he loves her, and there is nothing wrong with it.
Besides the fact that I don’t think it’s appropriate, while holding her, he often has conversations with adults that I don’t want my daughter to be privy to. I feel that if I ask him to refrain from something, he should, whether or not he agrees with me. He absolutely refuses to pay attention to what I say.
My children adore my brother and he loves them. But, honestly, this lack of respect for my values is beyond frustrating.
Am I way off base in thinking that my 8-year-old is too old to be in someone’s arms for great lengths of time?
– Frustrated Mom
Dear Frustrated: You are the parent. Your brother must respect that. This is non-negotiable.
You MUST be an advocate for your kids. An 8-year-old who is uncomfortable with her uncle holding her might not ever tell anyone – even you – especially if she loves her uncle and knows that you love him too.
I won’t lay down a definite guideline, age-wise, as to when children should no longer be held, sit on laps or be carried around.
Your sense of what’s happening is all you need to know.
Because this business makes you uncomfortable (and it makes me uncomfortable in part because it makes you uncomfortable), you should declare an absolute when it comes to your brother. You should tell him that he must respect your guidelines when it comes to your children and that if he can’t, you’ll have to limit his contact with them.
Then you should talk with your children. Tell your daughter that she’s growing into a big girl and that she gets to make choices about all sorts of things, including who holds her and for how long. You must reinforce these lessons at home. Your children need to know that they can talk with you about these things – and about everything.
Talking with your kids is one line of defense from sexual abuse. You watching them like a hawk and being firm and sure about their contact with others is another.
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Dear Amy: I am 14 years old and go to the German School (here in the United States). I am one of the few Austrians at the school; the rest are German and a few Swiss.
Lately I’ve been having problems with my history and geography teacher. She compares everything she teaches us to Germany! I respect the fact that most of the people at my school are German, but shouldn’t she know that not everyone is? She teaches everything from a German point of view! Sometimes I get so frustrated; I want to change schools!
– Proud in Maryland
Dear Proud: Teachers tell me that they appreciate it when students point out to them areas where they might enhance or improve their lessons. If you offer your teacher an Austrian perspective, she might appreciate it.
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Dear Amy: I wanted to write to “Tenor in Chicago” who said that he is unpopular because of his good grades and because he is in the choir.
I am a 15-year-old girl. I usually like guys who get good grades and who like music – like me. I just recently had a boyfriend who is in two choirs at school, one at church, is a hacky sack player and gets good grades.
“Tenor” shouldn’t change himself for anyone else. He sounds like a great guy!
– Been There
Dear Been There: Many kids wrote in with kind words of support for this young man. Thank you all so much!
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