My cellphone, my self.
What ringtone am I feeling today? A top-40 “Holla Back” mood? Retro cred with a Beatles tune? “Claire de Lune” for wandering the bookstore aisles?
Perhaps I will further customize the incoming call according to which particular soul seeks my ear. My preteen daughters could alert me to their urgent needs with their favorite Kelly Clarkson song, “Since U Been Gone.” Those unsolicited charity calls you don’t want to answer? The Goo Goo Dolls’ retread of “Give a Little Bit.”
Choosing the ringtone, of course, is not so much about what song I want to hear when the phone beckons. It’s all about the image in a crowd. What will they think of me when my phone rings? All cellphones are annoying, but with ringtone choices you can customize the annoyance you broadcast to the world.
What image you choose to project when the phone rings during a work meeting varies wildly from what disturbance you want to cause in a movie theater, or at your kids’ soccer game, or at the mall. Strangers will always hate you when your phone rings. But we are paying $1.99 per ringtone download in the hope that if they hear Devo’s “Girl U Want,” they might hate us a little less.
You can even choose between a half-dozen Wurlitzer versions of your favorite pop song. “Bro! That Verizon cover of System of a Down totally rocks!”
Now there is another level of ring sophistication that guarantees a 30 percent drop in American productivity, as we all spend hours customizing. They’re called ringback tones, meaning that when someone calls you, the sound they hear instead of ringing can be a song that you choose.
It’s your boss: You don’t want him listening to “Margaritaville” on hold. So you choose Huey Lewis and “Workin’ for a Livin’.” It’s your mother-in-law: You would rather not have her listening to “Toxic.” Or “Fat Bottomed Girls.” So you choose “Three Times a Lady.”
Around this page, we’ve scattered some jump-start suggestions for your own ringtones, geared for your mood, your location, or the caller who won’t leave you alone.
The wife calls, with car-pool instructions or additions to your honey-do list. If you’re lucky, she’s just calling to say “Hi,” or “Love ya.” Either way, be cool. Let ‘er ring with Fantasia Barrino’s “Baby Mama.”
The ‘rents are calling. You’re still bitter that big sister went to Harvard and you went to Des Moines Beauty College. Choose a ringback tone for Mom and Dad to stew over when they call: Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.”
You are a 39-year-old computer technician who still lives at home, visiting a high school for a work assignment. Do not under any circumstances purchase the ringtone of 50 Cent’s “What Up Gangsta.” You will not impress anyone under 19, and the principal just won’t get it.
It’s breakup time. But you don’t have the guts to do it in person. That’s why the good Lord invented country music. Head to napstertones.com and let her listen to a ringback tone of the George Jones classic, “He Stopped Loving Her Today.”
You’re a dedicated career woman in an important sales meeting. You’ve let it slip that you met Peter Forsberg at a charity golf tournament the day before, and he asked for your phone number. Time for the help of Elvis Presley, and a buck-99 download of the ringtone for “Burning Love.”
You plan to be at the mall all day. Amuse and amaze your friends with the U2 ringtone, “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”
It’s Sunday Mass, but you’re a doc who has to leave the phone on in case of that surgical emergency. Go ahead and class it up with any number of versions of “Ave Maria.” Your pew mates still will be mad, but they might be impressed.
June weddings are just over the horizon. Let’s say you’re the groom. Let’s say you’re happy with your choice of life-mate, but want to keep your options open up until the last second, in case newly single Jennifer Aniston finally calls. Download “The Wedding March” for your ringtone. No one will be the wiser.
Staff writer Michael Booth can be reached at 303-820-1686 or mbooth@denverpost.com.
