Dear Eric: I have never had patience for prejudice. I grew up in a household where it simply wasn’t practiced, and it wasn’t until I went to college in the 1980s that I realized some people harbor dislike for others without reason. To this day, I still don’t truly understand it.
I am quick to distance myself from anyone who openly practices prejudice. As a result, my social circle is extremely small. Now that I am 61 and retired, I find myself with very few friends. I have frequently “ghosted” long-term acquaintances for using derogatory language, as I feel they aren’t worth the time it takes to provide an explanation.
How does one navigate these waters?
— One Close Friend
Dear Friend: While it isn’t your job to correct people’s behavior, as a friend you have the opportunity to let these people know that what they’re saying isn’t right and you expect more from them. If no one ever says anything to them, their prejudiced thinking could go unchallenged, and they may never afford themselves the opportunity to widen their perspective.
Now, you write that you feel these acquaintances aren’t worth the time to provide an explanation. So, could it be that the foundation of the relationship was shaky to begin with? If you don’t see them as people who merit discussion, maybe you and they weren’t well-matched to begin with.
You might look at how you’re meeting people and ask yourself if there are ways of connecting and building relationships with people whose worldview more closely aligns with your own. You could volunteer for a cause in which you believe or join a club that focuses on one of your interests and see if friendship blooms from there.
Sometimes finding our people takes a little bit of detective work. Think about what you want your social circle to look like and what kind of people you’d like to be in regular contact with and seek them out.
Dear Eric: A close friend of 45 years has been married to an alcoholic for more than 20 years. She lives in a different state. After he lost his job and spent his days at home drinking, she stopped working so she could “watch him and keep things under control.” He has never acknowledged his alcoholism or sought help.
He has serious health problems that doctors attribute to alcohol abuse, and he has been hospitalized several times. She no longer travels with him because he embarrasses her, and she is afraid to leave him alone for any length of time.
My friend is financially secure, has no children, and is estranged from her family, likely in part because of him. Over the years, I have encouraged her to seek help, consult a lawyer, and make an exit plan for herself or for him.
Recently, she told me she spoke to a lawyer and was unwilling to give up the comfortable lifestyle she had grown used to because she would have to give him half of everything. Yet I know she lives very frugally and has told me about her substantial assets, including money her father left her that her husband cannot access.
Exasperated, I finally asked her, “Are you really saying your lifestyle matters more than your sanity in the years you have left?” She hung up on me.
Recently she texted me, acting like nothing happened. What do you advise?
— Reconnected
Dear Friend: Sometimes when people struggle with alcohol dependency, they believe that they are beyond help or there’s nothing that can fix their problems. This is not true. Similarly, sometimes people who are in unhealthy or even codependent relationships with people who have alcoholism believe that there is no solution and they just have to stick it out. This is also not true.
Your friend would greatly benefit from going to an Al-Anon meeting or a meeting of SMART Recovery Family; please encourage her to look into it. You might even volunteer to go with her to a virtual meeting. She is not at fault for her husband’s drinking, of course, but her thinking is part of whatap keeping her captive, and it doesn’t have to be this way.
Her text suggests that she’s looking for support, even if she’s not able to accept it in the way you want her to. Instead of relitigating the discussion about her lifestyle, you might be better served by laying out the facts to her: “You say you’re unhappy; his behavior is dangerous; I’m concerned. I’m not going to give you an ultimatum, but I think you know that something has to change. Would you accept my help in finding a path forward?” One possible path might look like talking to a financial adviser or another attorney to make a better plan.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
