I never imagined I would have so many dogs in my life. I’m talking about the ones with four legs, not two – Lord knows there have been plenty of the two-legged variety.
In the mountains, the dog-to-person ratio is about the same as the male-to-female ratio. A girl ends up learning as much about dogs as she does about men, even if the differences are few.
Our furry friends are everywhere (the dogs, I mean): their tails wagging ferociously from the back of a pickup on the way to the trailhead; tongues dangling from their jowls in the midday sun; eyes glued to the door of whatever establishment their owner’s coming from. They’re bounding down the trails after hikers and mountain bikers, hanging out at the crag while their owners climb, and chasing balls into the river before a kayak session.
Regardless of the activity, the real sport (or at least the most entertaining one) is learning to identify a man by his dog. More often than not, they are a stunning reflection of each other. This is a very helpful tool for women who don’t want to waste their time barking up the wrong tree, so to speak. If you want to know the true essence of a man, chances are he’s walking around town with it on the end of a leash.
The big dog
If a big foot means that a guy has a big shoe, a big dog is the sure sign of a big attitude. Don’t ever try to take control, because the more you shorten their leash, the harder they’ll pull away, treating you with about as much regard as a ball and chain.
On the other hand, don’t misunderstand their size. These dogs are big babies who need you more than you think and can be won over easily if you toss them a little treat once in a while. But don’t kid yourself – they need a lot of space.
The preppy dog
There are a million of these in Colorado. Golden retrievers and Labs top the list. They’re always named after beer labels (“Guinness”), mountain ranges (“Sierra”) or Grateful Dead songs (“Aiko”).
You can count on the fact their owners probably spent summers in Nantucket or went to boarding school. They’re all good looking in an old-money sort of way, and are just as likely to end up on the cover of a J Crew catalog as their dog is. Their tails are always wagging and they look mindlessly happy like they don’t care who you are (old friend, brother, serial killer, it’s all the same to them), or where you came from, as long as you toss something their way.
Winter dogs
If I meet one more Siberian husky with an Alaskan name, I’m going to hurl. I’ve got news for you: These dogs are shady.
I know, they have beautiful eyes and a wonderful coat and fit right in to the whole mountain theme quite well, but they cannot be trusted. You have to keep them on a leash at all times and make sure you don’t leave any doors open. Unless you have a big sled or a very large yard somewhere in the Arctic Circle, I suggest you don’t try to keep these pups contained, because they’re always going to get away.
Aggressive dogs
Pit bulls and Rottweilers top this list, as do chows, Akitas and German shepherds. Every guy I know who has one of these dogs will always tell you how sweet they are once you get to know them.
Meanwhile, the dog is foaming at the mouth, and you wonder why they need bondage-style collars with more hardware than a chainsaw. The most attractive thing about these dogs is they’re tough and aloof and you really do have to earn their affection. There’s nothing that turns a girl on more than the lion who turns into a pussycat behind closed doors – you just have to know how to tame them.
The little dog
A little dog is like an accessory. Toting around one of those overgrown rats is no different than owning an expensive purse or designer eyeglasses or fancy shoes – you simply could not get any more unmanly than that!
I don’t care how smart they are, or how many tricks they can do, or how they have less impact on your house or whatever. If you want a small animal, go buy a cat. Unless it’s a scruffy little mutt or some cool cattle breed (they’re smart and can run fast), a small dog means … well, you do the math.
Freelance columnist Alison Berkley can be reached at alison@berkleymedia.com.
