Dear Amy: When I met my girlfriend, I made it clear that I would date and marry only a Jewish girl. Yes, my religion is that important to me. She took a genuine interest in me and in Judaism – borrowing Jewish books and teaching herself Hebrew.
I agreed to date her because she was talking about converting to Judaism. Now she no longer wishes to convert and finds fault with many aspects of Jewish teachings.
I love her, and we are perfect in every other area. Should I give her an ultimatum? My parents feel she is a liar and untrustworthy.
She tells me she is not ready to convert, but she does not say why. We have been together for 18 months, but I am leaning toward ending the relationship. Please set me straight.
– Perplexed in Philly
Dear Perplexed: The kind assumption is that, out of a desire to please you, your girlfriend gave Judaism a try and that the religion is not a good fit for her.
The unkind assumption is that your girlfriend is manipulative enough to insincerely engage in a faith practice in order to win you over.
Your first job is to decide once and for all if you are prepared to leave this relationship.
An ultimatum won’t work, because if your girlfriend “chooses” Judaism because of your ultimatum, won’t you always wonder if her faith is sincere? You don’t want that, and your family doesn’t want that.
Your faith is important enough to you that you have put it at the center of your life. Now it’s time to move on and find a “Jewish girl.” There are plenty out there, and I’m certain they’d be happy to make your acquaintance.
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Dear Amy: My husband of 12 years has three adult daughters, all married with families.
Although initially these girls resented me, for the most part we have managed to get along and remain cordial. Recently, their mother, my husband’s ex of 16 years, passed away unexpectedly. The eldest daughter, with whom I have the most in common, called me a few days after her mother died and said, “We feel it would be best if you did not attend my mother’s memorial service as your presence may cause some other attendees to feel awkward or uncomfortable.” I was taken aback, to say the least.
I had no desire to attend this funeral service but I wasn’t sure if it was my place to accompany my husband. Have I been royally insulted by my husband’s daughters? Four friends in whom I have confided about this situation say this was a definite slap in the face. Your take?
– Highly Offended
Dear Offended: Keep in mind these women lost their mother unexpectedly and probably were reacting in what they thought were the best interests of other members of their family. You might not fully appreciate how difficult this has been for them.
I don’t think you have cause to feel “highly offended.” When you write a sympathy note to these women – and you should – please mention that you know they loved their mother very much and that you are sure that they must miss her terribly. Your gesture will help draw you closer to them.
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