Dear Amy: I haven’t had a child in my life for many, many years, and the likelihood of my becoming a grandma in the foreseeable future is exceedingly slim. I pine for a granddaughter.
One of my cleaning ladies occasionally brings her oldest daughter with her to our home. Jenny is a lovely, bright, well-mannered 7-year-old. Her folks have several kids, very little money and extremely limited English-speaking skills.
When Jenny comes to our door, I instantly envision all of the things that I experienced years ago with my three little boys. I would dearly love to have a lasting relationship with her, doing fun and enriching things together. My only motivation is the selfish one of satisfying my grandmaternal instincts. My problem is there’s no reason that her parents should “share” her with me on an ongoing basis.
It occurs to me that Jenny deserves to have a college education and that my husband and I could help substantially.
Is it nuts to think that an arrangement could be made with her folks to gradually fund an account in Jenny’s name in exchange for spending a day with her every now and then, at her discretion? I know that I could never presume to impose myself into her real family life and that any funds that were invested in her name would have to remain available to her for college, no matter what.
Is this foolish or unethical? Is it “renting” a little girl? I talked to my husband about it, and he had no objection other than that it was “pretty pathetic.”
– Pining for a Granddaughter
Dear Pining: You sound like a nice person, and an arrangement such as you propose might have worked in a Charles Dickens novel, but it is unethical.
You could assure this girl’s future (as well as her siblings’ future) by helping her parents succeed in this country. You can sponsor them for citizenship (if they aren’t already citizens), help them receive English language and job training, and mentor them.
All of her children deserve a college education, and the great thing about this country is that they can most likely get it. You and your husband could help by contributing to a college fund as a compensation bonus.
I’m sorry to tell you that pining for something doesn’t mean that you get to be unethical – if well-meaning – to get it. You might enjoy volunteering at your local Head Start or after-school program.
If you can’t find a way to compensate for these feelings, it would be a good idea to talk it out with a counselor.
…
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for almost six years. I kept my own name when we got married.
My sister-in-law still addresses mail to “Mr. and Mrs. Brown and Family.” I have asked her more than once if she is aware of my name being different from my husband’s, and she is. One time when I inquired about her apparent oversight, she said something to the effect of it being too much trouble to write my name too.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask that if she wants the letter to include me, she should use my last name.
What can I say to her to let her know that I feel very strongly about this?
– Keeping My Name
Dear Keeping: You’ve already let your sister-in-law know that you don’t share your husband’s last name. She continues to disregard your wishes to be recognized individually.
It might help, however, if you realized that you are, in fact, “Mrs. Brown.” That is, you are the wife of Mr. Brown. Even though your surname isn’t “Brown,” you can accurately be described as Mr. Brown’s wife.
I’m not suggesting that your sister-in-law is right, mind you, but because you’ve already told her your name, then you can either have a showdown or ignore her rudeness, which I think you should do.
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