Occasionally I like to share some of the funny animal-related pieces that people send me via the Internet. These are rarely credited to their original authors, but they are too funny to keep to myself.
To: God
From: The Dog
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but they rarely, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. Just what do humans understand?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: As I understand it, the following are the things I must remember in order to be a good dog:
1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead sea gulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on “leftovers” in the litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a “face towel.” Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches into the car for Mom’s driver’s license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he is on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello.”
11. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I am under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a “squeaky toy,” so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it is usually not a good thing.
And finally, two questions:
1. Why do humans have 10 commandments, and dogs have 16?
2. When I get to heaven, may I have my testicles back?
Send questions to Robin Downing, DVM, P.O. Box 460, Windsor, CO 80550 or drrobin@windsorvet.com.
