Given that this is a slow time for news, I figured it would be easy to reach my favorite inside source, and I was right. On the first ring, I connected with Ananias Ziegler, a retired lieutenant colonel who handles media relations for the Committee That Really Runs America.
“My caller ID says it’s you, Quillen,” he barked, “and don’t waste my time by asking about Cindy Sheehan, that awful woman who’s been camping near the president’s ranch.”
I hadn’t intended to ask about her, but now he had me curious, so I inquired as to how that would be a waste of time.
“We’re hoping that by the time you get this into print, we’ll have her all swift-boated. Brother Rush has already put it out that her story is nothing more than forged documents,” he said, “and Fox News is getting her positioned as just another tool of the left wing, being used by radicals with their own agendas to promote.”
He caught his breath and rolled on. “You can be sure that this is just the start. The more attention she gets, the sooner she and all those people who are making America less safe will be totally discredited.”
“Just how was America becoming less safe?” I wondered aloud, then realized that anti-war protests strengthen the president’s resolve, and the stronger his resolve, the longer we will lose blood and treasure in Iraq, and thus make our country weaker.
But Ziegler said I was wrong about how America could be weakened. Our country needs a strong leader, and so it is “very important for the president to have a full five weeks of summer vacation,” he said. “He has a hard job, and he needs to relax so that he can make the right decisions to strengthen America when he goes back to work.”
That sounded reasonable, especially if the president planned to promote a system in which every American got five weeks of paid vacation.
Ziegler said I misunderstood him. It wasn’t about vacations. It was about priorities and scheduling. “How could the president ever get on with his life if he had to take an hour and meet with every Gold Star mother who camped down the road from his ranch? Don’t you realize that bicycling with Lance Armstrong has been a dream of his for years?”
I hadn’t realized that, but in ways, it made sense. There are guys who would settle for just being president of the United States, but our George Bush never stops imagining a better life. I changed the topic and mentioned that a lot of people are complaining about the price of gasoline.
“How dare they?” Ziegler exploded. “Don’t they realize that there hasn’t been a new refinery built in the United States in more than 30 years? We’ve got to do something about all these environmental restrictions that are stifling our economy.”
“Would he want to live next to an oil refinery?” I asked.
“That’s beside the point. I’ve worked hard to get where I am, to the place where I don’t have to live by a refinery. There are people who haven’t reached that level yet, and they shouldn’t be empowered to ruin things for the rest of us. Just where do they get off, anyway, thinking they’re too good to live by an oil refinery?”
“So it’s important that people work their way up in America?” I asked.
“Darn right,” Ziegler said. “Start at the bottom and hustle your way to the top. That’s the American way.”
“Then why is the Committee so insistent on repealing the inheritance tax?” I wondered. He said he didn’t understand me, so I repeated the question.
“You must mean the Death Tax,” he said. “You’d better be careful. I don’t think it’s still legal to call it what you called it. Anyway, it’s a vital part of the plan to strengthen America by making the rich richer and everybody else poorer.”
And that makes a stronger country how?
“We need a pool to draw soldiers from,” he said, “even though there’s the risk of a mouthy mom every now and then.” He apologized for having a call on another line, and hung up.
Ed Quillen of Salida (ed@cozine.com) is a former newspaper editor whose column appears Tuesday and Sunday.
