Dear Amy: After all the information I have read lately about “emotional affairs,” I am convinced that my three-year Internet relationship with a great guy I knew in high school has to end.
Both of us are married, and we used one rationalization after another during the past three years to explain why our friendship was so helpful to us and why it was not hurting anyone, but the intensity of the relationship was building and finally even he agreed that it had to end.
So, after roughly 2,500 e-mails and countless hours spent instant-messaging (harmless conversations, or so I thought) now what? Now that we have done the “right” thing, why do I feel so miserable?
My husband of 20-plus years and a few other close friends have heard about this guy over the years because all along I told myself that there was nothing to hide. I said that he was just another friend who happened to be a member of the opposite sex. It was not an affair; it was a friendship, in my mind.
Well, friends come and go for all sorts of reasons and life goes on, but boy – this is different. I find myself wanting to e-mail or instant message him just “one more time.” I need some advice for how to put this behind me and move on. – Emotionally Distressed
Dear Distressed: Although emotional affairs have existed forever, the prevalence and ease of the Internet is making them more common, according to the book “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” by therapist Shirley P. Glass (Free Press, $15 paper).
Glass reports that of the 210 clients she has counseled for infidelity, 82 percent said that their affairs started as friendships. Your letter is a perfect example of how these affairs start and of how serious they can become.
This is where the clichés come in. Time does heal all wounds. Take your day in increments and tell yourself that you won’t contact him in the morning; at noon tell yourself that you will continue to succeed throughout the afternoon.
Glass’ book suggests that you disclose this to your husband to rebuild the trust in your marriage. If you do choose to tell your husband, it should be under the direction of a marriage counselor.
In terms of healing your own heart, you have to remember that doing the right thing doesn’t guarantee that it will be easy.
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Dear Amy: I have been married 15 years to a wonderful guy. The problem is with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.
We have summer homes next to each other and eat many meals with them over the summer. All of the members of our club eat in a main dining room.
They are very gossipy and critical of everyone and everything at our club. I do not want to be with them when this is all they talk about.
Should I just put up with it and change the subject? Do I request not to sit with them? Do I say something in hopes that they get the point?
– Jane in Northern Michigan
Dear Jane: You may not be able to change your in-laws, but you can make them more conscious of their behavior when you’re around. You can honestly say, “It makes me uncomfortable to talk about other people; can we change the subject?” Mixing up your evenings socially and choosing to sit with other people is a good idea.
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