Dear Amy: I am in the military in Iraq and was recently on leave to visit my family and fiancée in Los Angeles.
The night before I left to go back to war, a close friend told me that my fiancée has been cheating on me with someone I have met but don’t know that well. She was even seen at a local motel with this cheating lover, who also has a girlfriend.
I will get another leave in a few months.
Should I confront my fiance about this subject then, or should I call her by phone the next chance I get? I have been loyal to her all this time.
If what I have been told is true, then what would you recommend?
– Fighting for My Country
Dear Fighting: You have no way of knowing whether this rumor is true, so my first recommendation is that you should question the motives of a person who would tell you this on the eve of your departure. At this point, you need to concentrate on doing your job and on keeping yourself and your comrades safe. If you choose to confront your fiance, this issue is probably best handled by mail or e-mail – and not on a scratchy cell phone or international phone call.
You should write a thoughtfully worded e-mail or letter to your fiance. Give her a chance to admit or deny this story, and then you need to decide what you will do.
If what you have been told is true, then you should suspend your engagement until you can return to the States and make some real decisions. It is possible to recover from infidelity. Some relationships can even be made stronger by the lessons learned when couples face this together, but it’s very hard to do that unless the two of you are in the same place.
…
Dear Amy: Advice columnists have for decades suggested that when you’re asked an intrusive question you should parry with, “Why do you want to know?” If I was the nosy questioner and I heard that, it would not deter me at all. I’d say, “Because I’m a curious person” or whatever.
Isn’t a direct answer, Amy, more authentic and efficient? When my son was a baby, he had an inoperable tumor around his eyeball and people would ask, “What happened to him?” I’d say, “periorbital hemangioma” and keep on walking.
Or, I would say, “I don’t feel like talking about it.” Either way, I gave a direct answer.
Truly, the response that works in pretty much every situation is: “I can’t remember.” Honestly. Try it.
“Is he adopted?” “I can’t remember.” “Are they twins?” “I can’t remember.” “Is that your biological child?” “I can’t remember.” “Are you still married?” “I can’t remember.” “Is your son still in prison?” “I can’t remember.” And, yes, when my son was a baby and people would ask, “Is it a boy or a girl?” I always said, “I can’t remember.” Tell your readers to try it. It’s non-confrontational, shifts the topic and shuts it down if you want to keep on going.
– No More Nosy Questions
Dear Nosy Questions: While I love your spirit, I don’t like the whole “I can’t remember” thing, which is sort of funny but also comes off as rude.
When people ask a question as simple as whether your baby is a boy or a girl, that doesn’t seem nosy to me. It shows a benign interest in your baby, which is appropriate.
Only say “Why do you ask?” if you want to hear an answer.
…
Dear Amy: In answer to a letter from “Too Old to Work,” I’m 81 years old and still work two small jobs.
I’ve worked for most of my life and also managed to bring up five children. When I’m asked, “Are you still working?” I reply that I’m glad I still can. My rocking chair is still empty. – Still Going Strong in Mass.
Dear Going Strong: The fact that you are going strong is very impressive. Well done!
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
