Q: My girlfriend and I recently spent a weekend with some married friends. Initially, they seemed happy enough. But they soon began to argue, and we saw a side of my friend’s wife that we had never seen.
She is expecting another child soon and thinks her husband is not supportive. He also lost his job recently, and she feels as if she is the sole breadwinner. I think she needs to give him a chance and listen to him before rejecting his help and ideas. But my girlfriend thinks this is “typical” Latina behavior (the stereotypical fiery temper), as does my friend (he’s white).
Personally, I think the explosive mood swings could be a form of depression or another type of chemical imbalance. When this was mentioned, my friend’s wife called it a ridiculous assumption and rejected the possibility of counseling or therapy.
I honestly think that many in the Hispanic community believe that counseling is a bad thing. What is your take, and what advice should I give my friend to help him deal with the situation? His wife already thinks that a divorce will solve everything, when in truth I don’t think it will solve anything.
Lily: My advice is more for you than for Mrs. “Mandona.” Marriage is a complex enterprise in which people will often disagree on issues. People will argue, and unfortunately it’s not always civil or pretty. Don’t be quick to judge these situations, because there are always two sides to a story.
As far as your diagnosis goes, please don’t make that leap either. Too often we feel comfortable placing a label on people when, in reality, what we need to do is just take a second or two and listen with our ears and our hearts. Therapy and medication are often needed to treat patients – but other forms of therapy exist.
Hispanics do not generally accept counseling as an avenue because they believe some things are better kept private. But this by no means applies to every Hispanic. Your friend should be there for this expectant mother, rather than try to play doctor.
Danny: This will probably be my shortest response in the history of Consejos. I will use a sports analogy of sorts to make sure my point gets across.
First, you should get yourself a beer (or your beverage of choice) and an order of 20 wings from Hooters (all drums, naked and 3-mile). Now you can sit back and enjoy the game from a distance. You are not the coach, and you are not the referee. You aren’t even on the team, buddy. Scream, yell, and be the armchair quarterback all you want, but this isn’t your game. Keep out! Your friend is a grown man with a pregnant wife. They can and need to handle their own personal fouls. You just need to worry about those wings.
Catherine: I am having a hard time stomaching Danny and Lily’s “mind your own business” advice. Our culture seems to send a message that a good friend is one who lets you make mistakes and just sits silently next to you, smiling the whole time. In my own life, I have been so thankful when friends have come to me when they saw something that concerned them.
The value of friends is that they are there for you, through the good, the bad and the ugly. At the same time, this is a sticky issue. Should you go to your friend and assume you know the right answer for his wife and him? No. But I can imagine that he would appreciate having a friend he can open up to. Offer to listen. That’s the best thing anyone can do.
Glossary
Mandona: bossy woman
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
