Dear Amy: I have been estranged from my birth father for 23 years, since I was 13.
My father was a workaholic. He was very vindictive toward my mother after the divorce, denying his children financial support and heating oil, and declining to pay for my brother’s opportunity to attend his dream college. He forsook the conservative religious tenets he had raised us with. He became involved with a drug-using woman who shared hash brownies and a water pipe with my older brother and me when I was 12. He eventually married her.
After watching the man I had respected so fully remove himself from his values, I decided to no longer have any contact with him. I called him up and told him so. He did try to contact me for a short while after this, but I rebuffed him.
I used to be angry with him, but that is long gone. I heard through the grapevine that he had heart surgery, and I simply didn’t care at all.
A close friend says if I don’t to reconcile with him, I will regret it if he dies. Your thoughts?
– Fine in the Northeast
Dear Fine: Judging from the bitterness you express in your letter, it’s a good thing you’re fine. I shudder to think how you would feel if you weren’t.
Do you see my point? You probably aren’t fine, and you know what? That’s OK. You got a raw deal, and I can understand why you would want to distance yourself.
But if you still subscribe to the values you were raised with, it’s time to forgive, if not forget. Forgiveness isn’t easy. And I know it might sound counterintuitive, but forgiveness will get you where you need to be.
I mostly agree with your friend. You should contact your father. You don’t have to reconcile with him. But you should reach out with at least some measure of the compassion he denied you. Does he deserve this? Probably not. But it’s the right thing to do.
A book you might find helpful is “Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope,” by Robert D. Enright (APA Lifetools, 2001).
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Dear Amy: A close friend has suffered from depression for years. She has suddenly decided she is unhappy in her marriage and wants a divorce.
While she claims she has been unhappy for years, she just told her husband this. He is willing to go into counseling and do anything he can to save the marriage, but she seems determined to end it. Her two young children will be devastated.
She refuses to admit her depression is involved. Four of us who have been friends for ages want to help, and we believe she is making a mistake she will regret. How can we help?
– Friend From Fresno
Dear Friend: You don’t say whether your friend is under a doctor’s care, but she should be. Encourage her to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation and to see how she is managing her depression. If her depression is inflaming this situation, she should hear it from her doctor.
Urge your friend to put the brakes on and make sure she is making choices that will be best not just for herself but for her children. I don’t think it’s wise to insert yourselves too much into the inner workings of her marriage, but you four friends can continue to support her while trying to guide her to consider her choices carefully.
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Dear Amy: You ran a letter from Mike, who is concerned about a friend who became engaged after dating for only two months. I know a couple who got engaged three days after they met. They were married less than a month later. More than 50 years later they are still married and very much in love.
They are my aunt and uncle.
– David Ross
Dear David: I would love to learn the secret to your aunt and uncle’s romance. These days, couples who have known one another for only three days have a hard enough time committing to a cup of coffee, let alone a lifetime of togetherness.
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