Q: Last Saturday night we gave permission for our 16-year-old daughter to spend the night at a friend’s house for a sleepover. At two in the morning we were awakened by a phone call from the police. They had found the four girls in the friend’s car in the parking lot of a supermarket. We are still very upset at her actions. My husband hates lying. He wants her to tell her that if she tells the truth about what happened we won’t punish her. I feel she deserves punishment whether or not she tells us the whole story.
– R.A.
A: When a teenager says she’s going to a friend’s house and is discovered in a supermarket parking lot at 2 in the morning she should pay a penalty. There is no explanation that could exempt her from punishment when she is found in this circumstance.
The goal is to teach her to make good decisions. The certainty that she will be punished for making an irresponsible choice offers her a guideline in deciding whether to go along with her friends. The aim is to strengthen her ability to choose the right path, regardless of her friends’ actions.
There are times to ask her to explain why she didn’t follow the agreed-upon plan, and other times when the results are self-explanatory. If her plans are changed by events beyond her control then punishment may not apply.
If you have information about your teenager’s wrongdoing, always share what you know. Don’t count on entrapping her in a falsehood or giving her the opportunity to lie. Explain the rule she’s broken and assign a penalty.
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Q: We have two daughters, 11 and 9. The problem is our older daughter is difficult to get moving in the morning. I nag her to get up, brush her hair, eat breakfast, get ready for school and do her homework. I often sit in the car waiting for her to come out. Our younger daughter gets up before anyone else, makes her oatmeal in the microwave, does her homework promptly and is always the first one ready. She’s a self-starter. In fact she doesn’t like changes and gets upset if everything is not done in a certain way. My husband thinks my older daughter’s problem is me. He says I’m always nagging her and that’s why she doesn’t do anything on her own. How could two girls be so different? Did I cause this?
– R.E.
A: No, your actions have not created your older daughter’s slow-moving chemistry, nor did you create your younger daughter’s self-starter pattern. The differences you describe are influenced more by genetics than by mothering. The challenge you have is learning to deal with the cards your two daughters were dealt.
Work toward turning over more responsibility to your older daughter. Being responsible can feel lonely. Be there to offer support.
Write Cathleen Brown care of The Denver Post, 1560 Broadway, Denver, CO 80202, or CABrown500@yahoo.com.
