Dear Amy: I have been dating a woman for nine months. We are very attracted to each other and share many interests. We’ve known each other for longer than we’ve been dating, and met through volunteering for a cultural organization.
We are 50-somethings and have had past marriages and relationships. Last night, “Barbara” described an affair with a married man she had while in her 20s (after her divorce). They worked for the same law firm. She said their affair lasted for several years, though the man said he loved his wife and would never leave her. She told me she had attended “swapping” parties with this man.
I was surprised at Barbara’s revelation for several reasons. She claims to have a rule about not dating men she works with. She has impressed me as being ethical and honest, but there is nothing ethical or honest about a relationship with a married person. I can understand a temporary lapse of judgment, but this went on for years and ended when the wife found out.
She justifies the affair this way: She wasn’t married at the time, so she doesn’t feel as if she was being unfaithful to anyone. Having just been divorced, her self-esteem was low and she wasn’t ready for a committed relationship. Seeing a married man made her feel worthy.
Barbara says I shouldn’t feel bad because it happened long ago. I also have questions about those swapping parties.
– Troubled in Baltimore
Dear Troubled: Some people are ethical and honest all of the time, and others are ethical and honest when it is expedient. Your gal’s decision not to date where she works – except for when she wants to – is a sign that at least some of her “rules” aren’t really rules.
Rather than resolving your feelings, you could use this to learn more about her.
All of this is decades old, but she hasn’t exactly renounced this behavior. How does having an affair with a married man make anybody feel “worthy”? Wouldn’t you like to hear more about that? If she knew then what she knows now, would she still make the same choices? You can’t change your girlfriend’s past. But you do get to have an opinion about it. If the two of you want to be together, you’ll both have to figure out if your values are compatible.
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Dear Amy: Before I was born, one of my aunts was engaged to “Steve,” but she broke up with him.
I am now an 18-year-old guy. I have a close relationship with my aunt and would like to know more about this relationship. I have asked my dad (her brother) about the relationship, but he’s vague about it.
Should I try to politely ask my aunt about this relationship or just leave the past in the past?
– Just Curious
Dear Curious: Think of the world as one big news conference. You can politely ask almost anything, but you can’t necessarily expect an answer. If your aunt chooses to tell you about this relationship, perhaps it will satisfy that curiosity of yours. If she chooses not to tell you about it – or gives you vague answers – drop it.
Perhaps, like me, she will want to start by asking, “Why do you want to know?”
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Dear Amy: My wife died last year, and I’m having trouble with how I should address myself when it comes to her. When I call her relatives and they ask, “Who is this?” do I say, “This is Tom, Betty’s deceased husband,” or do I say, “This is Tom, I was Betty’s husband”?
– Tom
Dear Tom: I read your letter to George Clarke, executive director of Selected Independent Funeral Homes. He and I both think the most important thing is for you to use whatever wording feels most comfortable.
Don’t, however, address yourself as “Betty’s deceased husband” for reasons of syntax. (You are not deceased; she is.) You could say, “Hello, this is Tom, Betty’s husband,” or, “This is Tom; Betty’s widower,” or “Betty is my late wife.”
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