Dear Amy: I am a single mother with a daughter who is a senior at a major university. She and I have been “a team” for many years, and I always thought we had an honest and respectful relationship.
Sending her to an expensive university has been hard, but I made sacrifices, and the school has been helpful with financial aid. By the time she obtains her degree, I will have depleted my savings, but I am proud to have been able to provide all I could.
It was always our understanding that she would work summers and have a part-time job during the school year to pay for her personal expenses.
Three summers ago, she worked at a corporation for a boss who is wealthy. She was friends with his son, and then developed a friendship with the boss and his wife. They have dinner together whenever she is home for holidays, etc.
I recently found out he gave my daughter $15,000 as a secret gift. I learned about this in December, when it was clear her spending outstripped her income. She admitted to a sum of $7,500 and to lying about her nonexistent, part-time job. She gave me her word that she would accept no more.
I was stunned and thought this man had usurped my authority as a parent. My daughter’s excessive spending continued through the spring and summer, and a few weeks ago, I contacted the boss and asked about the total amount of the gift. My daughter had hidden another $7,500.
I can’t begin to express my hurt and anger. My daughter would only admit to being sorry she got caught. She thinks she deserved the money. I asked her to put some of it toward tuition. She sent me a defiant response and has been silent.
Amy, I feel like I have lost my family. Although my anger is beginning to dissipate, I am grieving for the loss of the relationship I thought I had with my child. I am overwhelmed by sadness and don’t know what to do next.
– Lost in the Midwest
Dear Lost: I feel for you, possibly because I know how intimate your mother-daughter “team” is. Your girl is behaving like a spoiled, entitled brat. I don’t think you should cut off your daughter during her senior year, mainly because you want to make sure she obtains her degree so she can make a good living – and because you promised yourself, and her, that you would do so.
You should go to her school and set up a meeting through the dean’s office or the school’s counseling office. A thoughtful third party could help you broker an understanding. A meeting also will help break the ice so you can express your concern in a loving way and she can be given an opportunity to understand your point of view.
Contact her former boss and let him know in no uncertain terms that as far as you are concerned, he has contributed to your daughter’s delinquency.
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Dear Amy: I am hosting a baby shower for my best friend, who is having her first child.
She lost her mother to breast cancer when she was 18. Is it appropriate now, 20 years later, to mention her mother at this baby shower? My idea was to attach the breast cancer pink ribbon pin or bracelet to each guest table favor so her mother could be present in spirit. Is this tacky? Should I just concentrate on the new life?
– Trying to Do the Right Thing
Dear Trying: Your idea sounds lovely and thoughtful, but ask your friend what she thinks. Showers are the perfect occasion to celebrate the entirety of a woman’s experience.
Your friend might want to offer a special blessing to her late mother in a toast or poem. Of course, if this gesture would make her uncomfortable, abandon it. The decision is hers.
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Dear Amy: I read your response to “Monetary Worrywart” and am appalled. Who are you to say “shame on you” regarding his $20,000 credit-card debt? He has admitted a problem (noting the debt bothered him) and sought advice, not for you to cast the first stone. You’re out of touch with reality.
– Former Reader From Boston
Dear Former Reader: Actually, I’m saddled with considerable debt. I know what a burden it is and that it takes years to clear it. If debt is avoidable (as he acknowledged his was), it is something to be ashamed of.
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