Dear Amy: A friend said my daughter and her boyfriend, both 16, are going to become sexually active.
I have been open and specific with all four of my kids about sex. My daughter is aware that she should just say no, that 16 is too young, that pregnancy can happen even with birth control, and that STDs are rampant.
Now that they are planning to get birth control, what can I do? If my daughter asks for my help in getting birth control, then what? How do parents provide birth control for their child without giving “permission.” Do I say, “Here is birth control, but you can’t have sex in our house?” I would like to know what other parents have done.
I have talked and talked and talked. I have warned and discussed and shown videos, given her books and discussed those books. Hormones, lust and 16-year-old-ness have won out.
– Mom
Dear Mom: There is evidence that when young people are educated about sex, and when they have access to reproductive health care, the teen pregnancy rate goes down. The Alan Guttmacher Institute say the teen pregnancy rate for 15-to-19-year-olds has fallen 28 percent since peaking in 1990. Teens report that their relationship with their parents is paramount in decisions about sex.
You’ve done your best to educate your daughter. Now she should get a thorough gynecological exam and birth control counseling by a professional.
Planned Parenthood provides reproductive health services, education and counseling. Education about sex and access to birth control doesn’t promote sex half as much as MTV, Paris Hilton and teen sex comedies do.
Your daughter should understand that young women have to take responsibility for their reproductive health. You and your husband also should clearly articulate your “no sex” point of view to her boyfriend.
Please continue to talk to your daughter, educate her, respect, trust and love her. You should include her boyfriend in your family’s life too.
Your daughter will become sexually active – eventually. But your goal should be to delay this decision until she is older, more mature and better able to handle the consequences.
For information on teen pregnancy, visit teenpregnancy.org.
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Dear Amy: The letter from “Concerned” could have been written by me. She was a young woman hoping to move in with and transform her boyfriend – as soon as he got out of jail.
Unlike “Concerned,” I was 40 and should have known better. I too thought my love would make him a better man. I tried making the break while he was locked up, but felt like I was “abandoning” someone who “needed” me. To the dismay of my family and friends, when he got out of prison, I married him.
It took about two months to realize my huge mistake. However, it took me more than a year to make the break. He was verbally and physically abusive.
“Concerned” needs to run as fast as she can! She may need counseling to make the break. Right now she is his salvation. He’ll promise her anything and say anything to keep her.
I hope “Concerned” takes your advice to find someone worthy of her. She is way too young to settle for Mr. Wrong.
– Been There, Done That
Dear Been There: Thank you for great advice, born of your own unfortunate experience. I was shocked at how many women wrote to me, sharing similar stories and all very concerned about “Concerned.” …
Dear Amy: Occasionally you hear from parents who worry because their kids don’t have grandparents in their lives.
There are plenty of “grandparents” to go around. We live far from our family, so we’ve “adopted” an elderly woman from our church. My husband, children and I adore “Grandma Susie.”
– Laurie Bonahan
Dear Laurie: Lucky you, and lucky “Grandma Susie.” This is a wonderful solution.
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