Dear Amy: I am involved in a fantastic long-term, committed relationship with the most wonderful man. We’ve been together for more than two years.
We are both professionals in our mid-30s. I have had plenty of relationships but have never been married; he is recently divorced with no kids.
He has been trying to maintain a friendship with his ex-wife. I generally do not have a problem with this, because they were together for 18 years.
He has told me they will most likely be going on trips together occasionally with just the two of them. He has explained that he wants to continue to have a friendship with her and that there are some things they still enjoy doing together, such as skiing, scuba diving and golfing. He has said he has no interest in rekindling a romance.
While I do not take issue with the friendship and the two of them “hanging out” occasionally, I do take issue with the vacations. I enjoy those activities as well; he was the one who got me involved in some of them.
It’s not that I don’t trust him, but I do find this troubling.
He has acknowledged my feelings and agreed that if the situation were reversed, he would be upset, but he is going to do it regardless. I am not a controlling person, but this has gotten me so worked up that I fear it it could be a deal-breaker.
– Troubled in Chicago
Dear Troubled: What’s that distant sound I hear? Ding, ding, ding, ding – it’s the alarm bells, and they’re ringing in my cubicle, just as they should be screaming in your head.
It appears he is trying to gaslight you into believing that this vacation time with his ex-wife is a reasonable idea.
Your reaction to him should be, “I don’t think so.” I’m not saying partners can’t have opposite-sex friends. But when someone chooses a scuba-diving vacation with his ex-wife while his loving partner is standing in her living room in her scuba gear, well – that’s just mean.
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Dear Amy: Your letter from “Feeling Sad and Betrayed” struck a chord. I hope she can learn that having her parents divorce doesn’t necessarily mean her family is falling apart.
My parents blew me away when I was 13 with the announcement that they were getting divorced because they were drifting apart.
I was hurt and angry with them for being selfish. However, it took that divorce to bring me closer to my whole family, and now, as a 20-year-old woman, I am thankful. They are happier because they do not have to work exhaustively to maintain a failing relationship.
My brother and I bonded. My workaholic father realized what family meant to him, and now he spends more time with us than ever. My mother and I became best friends because we were always there for each other when times got tough.
It is incredibly hard in the beginning, but it does get easier.
– Thankful in Fairfax
Dear Thankful: I have received so many thoughtful letters from young adults reflecting on their parents’ divorces. Thank you so much for offering support and optimism to kids who are going through this.
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Dear Amy: Regarding a letter from reader David Ross, who shared the story of his aunt and uncle’s romance:
I met Suzanne on a blind date that I had refused to go on for a year! To quote Ringo Starr, “Would you believe in a love at first sight? Yes, I’m certain that it happens all the time.” Our eyes met, and we were goners.
We got engaged in six weeks and were married seven months later. In April we will celebrate 20 years of bliss.
Our secret recipe for enduring romance is to begin with incredible compatibility, add a great sense of humor, stir in mutual respect, sprinkle with compromise, and never, ever stop leaving handwritten love notes.
– Michael
Dear Michael: To quote John Lennon, “Love is the answer, and you know that for sure.”
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
