Q: Whenever I pick up my 4-year-old son from preschool or a friend’s house, I tell him it’s time to leave, but he dawdles and dawdles. I have the same problem on shopping trips. I can’t always hang onto him because I often have the baby or packages in my arms. I tell him I’m going to leave without him if he doesn’t come. My husband heard me say this recently and said it was a terrible thing to threaten to leave him. I’ve never really left him, but is it a terrible thing to tell a kid you’re going to leave without them?
– L.G.
A: Yes. Parents should never threaten to leave youngsters. Regardless that you would not follow through, threatening to go without him is cruel and inhumane. Children’s No.1 fear is being abandoned. Nature has built in a strong emotional attachment between a child and parent to ensure the child’s safety. When a child believes he will be left alone, the fear can bring a flood of anxiety.
A child of 4 has no way of knowing when a parent is bluffing or being serious. You want to build trust with your 4-year-old so he knows you mean what you say. Children gain a sense of security from knowing they can rely on what a parent tells them.
When you are leaving his preschool or a friend’s house, say it’s time to go and ask him to get in the car. If he dawdles, take him by the hand and put him in the car. Follow through on your directions with action.
When you shop, consider leaving your 4-year-old with family or friends. It is a tough to take a 4-year-old to the store; they want to inspect, touch and see everything. Make life easy on yourself by trading babysitting duties with another mother.
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Q: My daughter is 9 and lives with her mother. We have been divorced for a year. I have asked my daughter to phone me once in a while. She says she will, but rarely does. Do you have suggestions about how to handle this?
– Unhappy Dad
A: Call her. It is your responsibility to stay in close contact with your daughter. Don’t put the burden on her. Your daughter has enough emotional challenge in adjusting to the divorce without feeling like it’s her duty to call you.
Your question suggests you could be feeling rejected. Avoid getting hooked into feeling sorry for yourself. She needs the reassurance that you still care about her. Calling her regularly is a good way to convey this.
Children of divorce often believe the parent who has left the marriage also has left them. Your job is to make it clear you will always be there for her.
Some parents have an arrangement in which a child receives a call from the non-custodial parent at a specified time. This works for some families; however, this system also ties both parents to a schedule that can be inconvenient. Call at times that you know she is likely to be home.
Write Cathleen Brown care of The Denver Post, 1560 Broadway, Denver, CO 80202 or CABrown500@yahoo.com.
