The Thanksgiving holiday typically is filled with many different and sometimes difficult personalities thrown together once a year to share family, friends and neighbors.
Whatever colorful scenarios are brought before you, remember it’s a day to give thanks, not a day for family feuds, says marriage and family counselor Eric Comstock. Here are his tips for surviving Thanksgiving.
Restate Watch your “should” and “must” beliefs about Thanksgiving. For example, “The dinner must be perfect” or “Grandpa should know not to bring up that subject.” Replace the “should” and “must” with “it would be nice.” “It would be nice if the dinner were perfect, but it may not be.” Expect some challenges. Also, for those traveling a distance, be realistic about the impact of traveling, sharing bathrooms, and the weather on everyone’s mood.
Reframe Look at something in a different way. We all have a fundamental need to belong and to connect with others. The brother-in-law’s jokes or uncle’s stories you hear every year might be attempts to make an emotional connection with you and the family.
Reframing your family’s behavior as possible attempts to connect emotionally can help make the day more enjoyable.
Rehearse You know your family members and can make some accurate predictions about their behavior. Try to prepare how you will react and plan the day accordingly.
Restrain Hold back your urge to argue, criticize or complain. It is only one day out of the year. Try to make the best of it.
Run! If all else fails, leave early. If you recognize that family gatherings are causing you too much stress and anxiety, maybe this year is a good time to start your own holiday tradition.
Celebrate Thanksgiving with your friends and create “a new family.” Just remember, the “new family” you create may end up being as dysfunctional as the one you were born into.
Whether you’re a newcomer to the Thanksgiving Day feast or dear old Uncle Charlie, mind your manners, please.
“Guests need to be reminded that it’s not their day to do whatever they want,” like letting the kids run wild and eat like a pig, says David Jackson, owner of Premier Events in Indianapolis.
Throughout the day, keep everyone in mind, not just yourself,” he says, offering these don’ts:
Don’t complain about how inhumane killing a turkey is and then ask for Tofurky. “Be grateful for what you are being served, and if you have a special need, make sure it’s known before (dinner).”
Don’t bring a bottle of Strawberry Hill Boone’s Farm and only drink the host’s Cristal. “Don’t bring a bag of chips and leave with half the turkey; use common sense here.”
Don’t wear a sleeveless T-shirt tucked into too-tight sweat pants. Dressing casual, or just plain skanky, oozes disrespect. Know that dress code is the host’s or hostess’ decision and clue guests and friends in. “None of this, ‘Oh, wear anything, my parents don’t care.’ For the guys, dressy sweater and slacks, and the girls, skirt and nice blouse. All attire should be conservative for the most part.”
When you finish the meal, don’t get up, burp and go into the other room to watch football. “Table manners, even though you are in the comforts of family, are essential.”
Don’t scarf down the meal; take your time. It’s likely the host or hostess spent several hours on the meal.”
Don’t get drunk and start telling “remember when” stories. “No one wants to hear about how drunk Grandpa was last year. It’s rude and socially unacceptable.”
Don’t give the family pet full reign of the house to shed on the only person in the room wearing cashmere. “Realize, not everyone is a pet-lover like yourself, so for the day, keep the animals in another room.”
“Don’t bring surprise guests; it makes everyone uncomfortable, and it’s possible the host won’t have enough food.”
Don’t show up two hours early or stay two hours too long. “And don’t be late. It causes great anxiety in the host, and you don’t want to be the one holding up dinner.”
Don’t stare in disbelief and yell, “Is that still alive?” at what is being served. While some homes don’t observe traditions and divert from green bean casserole and cranberry sauce, make sure your guests are aware. “On the same hand, the guest should be polite and gracious. Keep your ‘Are you serious?’ comments to yourself.”
Don’t yell, “I’ve got dibs on a drumstick” just after hoarding all the crescent rolls. “Remember, this is not your day to do what you want. Think of the entire family and not just yourself.”
