Dear Amy: I am 29, happily married for six years with an 18-month-old baby. I have never really had much of a relationship with my father. Growing up we had every-other-weekend visitation and shared holidays, though he lived just 15 miles away.
My dad never took the initiative to spend extra time with me. Though he had a good-paying job, he did not help pay for extra things, such as a class ring, senior pictures and college.
I thought things would change once I had my son. I can count on one hand the number of times he has seen my son, and I am the one who has made the contact. The only time my father calls is when it is a holiday or when he needs something, such as my husband helping him move furniture.
My father isn’t easy to talk to; he blows up. Last year I invited him and my stepmom over for dinner on his birthday, but they never called back.
– Fatherless Daughter
Dear Daughter: I’m concerned that you call yourself “Fatherless.” You have a father, my dear. He’s flawed and disappointing, but he exists.
Some of your father’s behavior might be because of his own feelings about being a “holiday dad.” Your mother may have created impediments you know nothing about.
Tell your father (perhaps in a letter) that you wish you could be closer and that you want for your son to have a relationship with him. He will either greet this news as an invitation to try to change, or he will retreat, as he has done in the past.
You might benefit from reading “Embracing Your Father: How to Build the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted With Your Dad,” by Linda Nielsen (2004, McGraw-Hill). Nielsen’s book is geared toward the daughter-father divide.
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Dear Amy: To the married “Daughter” whom you said should tell her mother not to visit unless she is invited. Wrong! I would never treat my mother or others of my family that way.
I love to have my mother, father, children, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews and families come to visit. In fact, my husband and I feel honored. And, if there isn’t room, we do put them up in a nearby motel.
They are welcome anytime except when it would be inconvenient. That would be if we plan to be out of town, are busy with other engagements, etc., in which case I would ask if they could make it at another time.
“Daughter” hasn’t been taught to be hospitable, doesn’t love her mother, or both.
– Lorraine From Oregon
Dear Lorraine: I’m with you – I absolutely love having family and friends visit. But my family (and yours) don’t announce that they are coming for a week (and bringing a friend) – without first asking if it is OK. The mother in question announced her visit and then informed her daughter she did not need “permission” to stay at her home.
It’s all about respect. That’s the difference between a family visit and a home invasion.
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Dear Amy: Cashiers are doing something annoying more and more lately.
The correct way of giving change is to first place the coins in the patron’s palm, followed by the bills, which can be grasped between the patron’s thumb and fingers. Now, cashiers balance the coins precariously on cupped bills, or hand me the bills first, which forces me to close my palm and leaves no easy way for me to grasp the coins! This simple adjustment will make lines move faster and cut down on patrons spilling their change on the floor.
– Fumbling in Maryland
Dear Fumbling: According to the National Association of Convenience Stores, there is no strictly “correct” way to give change – I happen to prefer the coins on top of the bills.
Being a cashier seems like a thankless job, especially when dealing with people whose happiness hinges on where their coins are laid. I hope you’ll kindly let your cashier know how you prefer your change before the transaction is over.
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
