Dear Amy: A little more than a year ago, my 12-year-old niece (my husband’s brother’s daughter) died unexpectedly of a cardiac arrest while at summer camp. Within a week the funeral was scheduled. I had a contractual business obligation (as the sole presenter and facilitator) for an exclusive three-day retreat, which unfortunately coincided with the funeral. I couldn’t get out of it.
Through tear-filled eyes I wrote my brother and sister-in-law a two-page letter expressing my grief and sorrow for them and at not being able to be with them physically. I phoned my parents and asked them to attend the funeral in my stead. My husband and two children went to the funeral, as did my heart. My husband said it was a lovely service attended by hundreds.
Over a year has passed and my brother and sister-in-law refuse to acknowledge my existence or have any contact with me. My husband has minimal contact with his brother, an occasional, shallow phone conversation where this “situation” is not mentioned.
I have never stopped reaching out to them with cards, calls and gifts, for all important dates, birthdays and holidays. They do not acknowledge me or my children or any of our attempts to communicate with them. Now this couple has a new baby on the way, and I am heartbroken at this tragic cutoff and its implications for our greater family. What more can I do to heal this tragic rift?
– Tragedy on Tragedy
Dear Tragedy: You don’t say how the family is reacting to others during this terrible time; this “refusal to acknowledge” your existence may extend to others in their lives too. This sort of contact may simply be too difficult or painful for them. They may have lost their moorings; they probably cannot comprehend your sensitivities. Most likely, this has nothing to do with you. After a year, they may just be starting the process of grieving for their lost child. Don’t judge them. Don’t push them, be consistently loving but not annoying, and don’t take anything personally.
Your husband should call his brother and ask if the four of you can get together. If they agree to it, then pay them a visit – without your kids.
Remember their dear girl and offer your continued support to this family. For information and inspiration, read “How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say: The Right Words for Difficult Times,” by Robbie Miller Kaplan (2004, Prentice Hall Press). A chapter on the loss of a child will be of special interest to you. When I read your letter to Kaplan, she said, “The very best you can do is to do what’s in your heart.”
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Dear Amy: We live check to check and barely get by. When I go to the supermarket this time of year, they have people outside the doors collecting food or money.
If I tell them “I’m sorry, but I’m broke,” they tell me they take credit cards (which we don’t have).
Today, I donated canned veggies to them because I felt bad.
How do I handle these people without being rude?
– Need to Feed the Kids in N.Y.
Dear Need: When passing a person ringing a bell and standing next to a kettle or a collection box, there is really only one thing you need to say. It goes like this: “Merry Christmas!” Make eye contact and smile. Thank them for donating their time in this way.
I’m going to offer my antidote to the holiday blues.
Take your own turn at the kettle. Bundle up the kids and take them downtown and let them help you ring the bell and wish people a Merry Christmas. Follow up your outing with a cup of hot chocolate, and I guarantee that you will feel at least a little bit better.
Contact your local branch of the Salvation Army (or your favorite charity) to sign up for volunteering opportunities.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
