Q: My 17-year-old stepdaughter is a smoker. She visits us every other weekend. Her mother is a chain smoker and allows her daughter to smoke. We have forbidden her to smoke in the house since we do not want to be exposed to secondhand smoke and especially do not want my 13- and 15-year-old daughters with whom she shares a room to be exposed.
She reluctantly goes outside to smoke, but has made comments that we are being ridiculous. I think we should forbid her to smoke period, but my husband thinks this is going too far. He says that if he had custody he would forbid her to smoke at home, but since her mother permits it, there is not much he can do.
– M.S.
A: Your husband should establish his values for his daughter just as he would if he had full custody. The rules her mother makes are irrelevant to his responsibility to instill in her his beliefs about protecting her health.
The key issue in her smoking is not the bad influence it might have on her stepsisters but the damage to her health. Her father should be concerned enough to take a firm stand against her smoking. Being a parent is not about being popular but about taking responsible action.
You and your husband need to talk with a counselor. Discuss how to resolve the smoking issue and explore ways to make your stepdaughter feel more a part of your family.
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Q: My daughter just turned 3 and is very well-behaved and actually physically advanced for her age. (She can ride a two-wheeler without training wheels.) The problem is she will get up between 1 and 3 a.m. and rage.
It will start with her in and out of the bathroom, and progresses to turning lights on in the house, knocking on our door, and politely shaking us. Usually she wants us to cover her up or asks us to shut her door. We have tried doing as she says without looking or talking to her, we have tried ignoring her, yelling and threatening her. All turn her into a screaming rage. We threatened to put her in the basement. We put a crib mattress all made up in there and showed it to her. Is it a terrible idea to put her in a safe environment in the night so we don’t hear her rage?
– K.
A: It is a terrible idea to banish or even threaten to banish your daughter to the basement. Being separated in the basement is a monstrous punishment for a condition that she can’t help. Her actions suggest night terrors or night fears.
Go to her before she roams the house. Comfort her. Tell her, “It’s all right,” and take her back to her bed. There is no logic to childhood night rages, and no logic can cure them. She is a victim of her neurology.
Visit her pediatrician to rule out physical or nutritional complications and do research online.
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