Dear Amy: This is the most dreaded time of the year for me, thanks to divorces and remarriages on both my husband’s side of the family and mine. We have to allot time for four holiday gatherings.
By “Christmas No. 3” in 24 hours last year, my then 1-year-
old daughter was on overload. It wasn’t pleasant.
This year we’re headed out of town to one set of grandparents’ house, but the other two sets (in our town) are trying to figure out how to get Christmas in before we leave for our trip.
The final set of grandparents waits for us to come to them and “guilts” us when we don’t.
Though I appreciate it that so many people love our daughter and us, I’m exhausted doing the packing up, running around and enduring stress.
When can I have Christmas at my house and say, “If you want to come to our house, great; if you don’t want to because someone is here whom you don’t want to see, then don’t?”
– Grinch
Dear Grinch: The last thing you want is to end up like one of those stressed-out characters on an awful made-for-TV holiday movie. (“Next on Lifetime: ‘Santa’s Slay: She Shops. Then She Kills.”‘) Take a moment, shut your eyes and remember what this holiday is supposed to be about. Christmas is a deeply meaningful event, a time for reflection, reconciliation and – yes – family.
It’s time for you and your husband to build some holiday traditions that put your little nuclear family at the center. Your various parents should do their best to come to you. If they can’t figure out how to spend time with one another (or accept visits from you at other times of the year), then that should be their problem – not yours.
…
Dear Amy: I was widowed about two years ago, and after much grief counseling I decided to try dating again. I registered with an Internet dating site.
Two weeks ago, I had a very disturbing experience that left me feeling abandoned, rejected and depressed. A man 10 years younger (divorced), who had been e-mailing and phoning me for three months, asked me to meet him. He seemed kind, gentle and considerate.
He expressed concern about my widowhood and said he hoped we could enter into a long-term relationship.
He holds a responsible job, and I did a credit check on him prior to agreeing to meet him.
He asked me to meet halfway (we live about 90 miles apart) at a hotel restaurant in the city. I went to the meeting place and he stood me up. He refused to return my phone calls and e-mails asking for an explanation.
What possible reason would this man have for rejecting and abusing me like this? Is he afraid of commitment or just a jerk? Mentally ill or married? I have spent nearly two years grieving and now don’t trust any new men.
My fear is that they will all be untrustworthy, rejecting and ill-mannered.
– Hurt and Angry
Dear Hurt: When people use the Internet to basically “shop” for partners, it becomes so easy to contact and (virtually) “meet” people that basic manners seem as old-fashioned as a rotary telephone.
There are simply too few negative consequences for being a jerk. There are Internet sites that provide opportunities to “rate your date” after the fact. Though I’m not crazy about the idea of trashing people, you may want to warn other women about this particular man – or learn more about a prospective guy before you meet.
Don’t dwell on this. Married, mentally ill or a garden-variety jerk – he’s not worth one more nanosecond of your time. Happy relationships can start on the Internet, but I also know of many people who have gotten tired of wading through the online jerks looking for a gem.
I hope that you also choose to go out into the “real” world and meet new friends the old-fashioned way – in person.
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