Dear Amy: When I was a girl, from age 9-12, my father sexually assaulted me. Now I am married and have two beautiful children, but I still feel that part of me – a big part – is a secret that nobody knows.
When I was younger, I told my mother, but she thought I was lying. Now when my kids spend the night there, I am always worried that maybe he would do the same to my daughter. I don’t know how to tell this to my husband. Everybody loves my dad, including me.
I would love to just tell someone about what happened to me, and then maybe I wouldn’t feel as though it were my fault. My husband says every day he loves me and that I am beautiful, but I have this terrible insecurity.
– Samantha in Denver
Dear Samantha: Your immediate duty is to protect your kids. You want to think your father wouldn’t victimize other children, but if he was capable of abusing you, he could abuse other children – even his own grandkids. Do not let your kids spend the night unsupervised with your parents. Ever. Not only was your mother unable to protect you when you were a child, but she made things worse by not believing you.
You need to speak with someone who will help you come to terms with what has happened in your life. You won’t be able to move forward with confidence until you understand the complex nature of what it means to be a survivor. Your parents betrayed the most basic part of you. Now you need to reclaim what they took from you.
Start by contacting the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (rainn.org) or the 24-hour hotline at 800-656-HOPE. A counselor can connect you with a therapist or survivor’s group.
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Dear Amy: I’m a teenage girl and I love my geek/nerd reputation. It used to bother me a little that I wasn’t popular and was sometimes teased, but now I am totally into the “be yourself and be proud of it” vibe.
I stopped shaving my legs regularly a year or two ago. I think it’s sexist, a waste of time and part of the body-image problem among many girls. Most of my friends are fine with it. My boyfriend says he doesn’t care.
My parents, specifically my mom, care immensely. My mother is convinced people will tease me, stop being my friend and think I’m a lesbian. The occasional times I take her advice and shave, I feel like I’m betraying my principles.
I love to dress up and do my hair. My idols are strong women who can kick butt but still look beautiful. My mom likes that part. I just disagree on the point that one must shave one’s legs to look beautiful.
My parents like my friends but think I am ruining my reputation. However unpopular I am, I do have a reputation as a good student. Am I just going through the usual teen angst?
– Distressed in D.C.
Dear Distressed: You are, in fact, going through the usual teenage angst. So are your parents. You both need to get a grip.
If you have friends, you’re not “unpopular.” The notion of popularity is sort of a joke anyway, and if your parents have amnesia on the subject, I can tell you with some certainty that the “Napoleon Dynamites” of high school tend to do well in life.
Your parents should lighten up on this subject. Letting you make choices now means you are learning the vital risk-reward pattern of exercising free will.
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Dear Amy: Regarding brides and grooms pushing cake into each other’s faces, when my youngest sister was married, she dabbed a tiny piece of wedding cake icing onto the tip of her new husband’s nose. Then she carefully licked it away. It was an affectionate touch as well as a playful, tasteful way to share the wedding cake ritual.
– Ginger in Virginia
Dear Ginger: I don’t go for public nose licking, but it sounds as if this gesture worked for your family. What about brides and grooms feeding each other with forks?
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