Q: I have developed a very good relationship with my 15-year-old stepdaughter, who stays with us every other weekend. Recently she said she would like to call me “Mom.” I was so touched it brought tears to my eyes. I told her that is was certainly OK and gave her a big hug.
My 14-year-old daughter seemed upset. Later I heard the girls arguing. My daughter was telling her stepsister that I am not her mother and that she had better stop calling me that. Since this happened they have been fighting and arguing over every little thing. I tried to tell my daughter that this has nothing to do with my love for her, but she was unresponsive.
– Mom?
A: Take strong action and put a halt to your daughter’s harassment of her stepsister. Her attitude reflects a lack of compassion and consideration. Make it clear you will not tolerate unkind behavior toward your stepdaughter, and that she is not the one who decides what your stepdaughter calls you.
Tell your daughter that there is enough love in your family to share. When love is shared it does not reduce the amount available but creates more for everyone to enjoy. Explain that one of your goals is to assure your stepdaughter that she is an equal member of the family, with all the rights and privileges that brings.
Give your daughter points each time she has a kind word for her stepsister, and every time she does a thoughtful act. Reward her with favorite prizes. Reward both girls for cooperating with one another.
Stepchildren who travel between two homes need extra love and compassion. These youngsters often feel as if they don’t belong in either family. Your concern for your stepdaughter will help her through the painful moments of traveling between her divorced parents’ homes.
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Q: My 6-year-old son has trouble sharing. If his 3-year-
old brother picks up a toy not being used, he’ll grab it away from him. “That’s mine,” he yells. Even when playmates are over, my son doesn’t share. I have tried making him share and insisted he let his brother play with his toys, but when I do, he cries.
– S.O.
A: Sharing should be voluntary, not enforced. Children start life totally egocentric. Learning to cooperate with others requires a certain level of brain development, a lot of training, and much patience on the part of parents.
Teach your 6-year-old to offer his brother another toy in trade instead of grabbing one away from him. Reward him each time he uses this strategy so he learns that cooperating brings other rewards. Invite your older son’s playmates to bring toys to a sharing party. Compliment the children who share readily.
Buy a collection of toys that belong to you. Keep them in a box for both boys to use. Show your son that sharing with others gives everyone more chances to enjoy play.
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