Dear Amy: I have been involved with a good guy for six months. We get along very well. We both have daughters in the seventh grade.
His daughter, “Julie,” has ADHD and other problems.
She is being treated and is making progress. The family sees a psychiatrist, and my guy has filled me in on the picture with his daughter from the beginning. She does very poorly in school, can be emotional and is impulsive.
We’ve gone slowly in meeting each other’s kids. Lately, he and Julie’s mother have been finding things that don’t belong to Julie; small things like makeup. Julie says friends give these things to her, but there is a suspicion she is taking things from people. She has taken a small amount of money from both parents.
Now I wonder about Julie meeting my daughter. I don’t want to set my daughter up to be stolen from. I don’t know if this behavior (if it is stealing)will continue.
If our daughters did meet, I can’t police every second if they are in my daughter’s room. And I don’t want to put Julie in a situation that is too tempting.
With the problems here, I wonder if I should just find someone with kids without these kinds of problems. I like Julie a lot. She is a sweet kid, and I have a very good relationship with her dad.
Am I setting my daughter up by letting them meet?
– Unsure
Dear Unsure: You aren’t setting your daughter up for anything by letting her meet this other girl “Julie” – you are simply introducing one seventh-grader to another.
Unless your daughter is extremely vulnerable or sensitive, I venture that she is capable of meeting another kid her age and figuring out quickly what the deal is. Most kids have an acute sense of the challenges kids their age present them with. Unless Julie is manipulative, violent or so unpredictable you think your daughter won’t be able to understand her, it’s fine for the two to meet.
Your daughter comes in contact with literally dozens of her peers every day. Navigating middle school daily requires more personal and social adeptness than most adults face in a year. No, you can’t police Julie while she is in your home, but then, you can’t police any of your daughter’s friends. You should not assume Julie will steal. You should assume she will handle herself the best way she is capable.
If you decide to introduce your daughter to Julie, be truthful about her positive qualities and realistic about her challenges, but don’t dwell on Julie’s problems in advance. That would “set up” Julie for failure, and that’s not fair to her.
…
Dear Amy: I am six months pregnant, and my husband’s brother and his wife are causing me a huge amount of stress.
I’ve only been in their lives for three years, and I recently found out I have offended them again and again over the years.
Unfortunately, they brought this to my attention in a release of anger and have made me feel awful. My husband and I both feel I am not free of responsibility for my actions, yet we both agree I am not a malicious person. How can I mend this when they’ve made it clear they don’t like me anyway?
– Feeling Bad
Dear Bad: You’ve admitted you are at fault. Don’t blame your in-laws for telling you they have been offended. They’ve done you a favor.
Here’s how you fix things. You start by apologizing. (In your letter to me, you say you feel awful, but you don’t mention that you’ve apologized to them.) You should write a note to this couple. Acknowledge their anger, accept responsibility for causing them to feel bad and tell them that you dearly hope you can get off to a better footing, especially because they will be your child’s aunt and uncle. End on a positive note by telling them how much you are looking forward to bringing this baby into all of your lives.
When you’re acting in a way that causes you and others distress, the way to fix things permanently is to act differently.
…
Dear Amy: In a recent column, “Ghost Bride” was upset because a cousin had scheduled her wedding on “Ghost Bride’s” anniversary.
Many years ago, two friends told us they had gotten married on the day that happened to be our anniversary.
And what was our reaction? “Great! Now we can celebrate our anniversaries together!” We’ve been doing exactly that. Last May 3 was their 30th and our 52nd anniversary.
– Herb and Eva Hain
Dear Herb And Eva: You are proof that you’re only a “ghost” if you act like one.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
