Dear Amy: My 24-year-old son has been spending a lot of time with his almost 18-year-old half-niece (my husband’s granddaughter by his previous wife).
These two seem to be only with each other and have no other friends. He has his own place. She lives at home, but she spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with him, not her parents.
This young woman has always been strange and uncommunicative since she was a child. Neither one has had a boyfriend or girlfriend before.
When I have questioned the situation, they have responded with nasty letters or e-mails, saying I am sick and twisted to think there is a romantic relationship here. We have tried to talk to her parents, but they have ignored our requests to meet with them.
– Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned: I’m not sure what your concerns are, because I would imagine the young woman’s parents should be the “concerned” ones. Their daughter, after all, is a “strange and uncommunicative” minor in a relationship with a man several years older than she.
Are you worried because these two are genetically related? If so, your worries may be overblown. Robin Bennett, senior genetic counselor at the University of Washington Medical Genetics Clinic in Seattle, says, “The genetic relationship between these two is about the same as for first cousins. The risks are much lower than people perceive. In general, the risk factor is just a few percentage points higher than anyone’s genetic risks to have significant problems. If this couple is worried about having children together, they should meet with a genetic counselor.” (State laws vary in terms of the legality of marrying a relative, however – in some states it is illegal.) Your son is a grown man. You can’t prevent him from having whatever sort of legal and consensual relationship he chooses.
Stop asking your son to define this relationship. It’s time for you to accept that you don’t know what’s going on and couldn’t control it if you did.
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Dear Amy: I am a single, 39-year-old woman. My fiancé is a divorced, 41-year-old male. We are planning to be engaged in February.
Amy, I think he intends to ask my father for my hand in marriage. Is this appropriate, given our age and that this will not be the first marriage for him?
– Confused in Va.
Dear Confused: While I don’t particularly like the idea of one man asking another man to “give away” his daughter, I love the idea of a couple asking the parents of their future spouse for a “blessing” before announcing an engagement. To me, this seems like a charming and respectful act.
However, I’m not the important one here. You are. If you don’t like this gesture, please do your guy the favor of telling him before he does it.
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Dear Amy: I am responding to “Mom in the Middle,” who wrote to you about her young daughters’ interest in dating, even though they were still in elementary school.
About 10 years ago, I asked my high school classes to indicate the time in their lives when they first went to a party as part of a recognized “couple.” The results were interesting and confirmed my hunch.
Girls who started dating early (as early as fifth grade) generally performed the poorest in school. The earlier they started, the poorer their schoolwork.
One student asked, “I go to parties, but I’ve never gone as part of a couple. What do I indicate?” She was the valedictorian.
The same correlation did not hold for the boys. I don’t think they take dating as seriously.
– Retired Teacher
Dear Retired: I agree with the results of your informal study, and more scientific studies seem to as well. Those of us with daughters must work to ensure they retain a strong sense of themselves and don’t get “lost” in their relationships.
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