Q: Dear Scott,
I have a large extended family, and because of this, there are lots and lots of family gatherings. Along with this I have a mother who gets very upset if we don’t call her or see her every day.
I’m having a “sick of family” flare-up and considering moving out of state.
I just bought a house and it would be a huge hassle to move. So, before I start moving in that direction I thought I would enlist your help.
My family spends outrageous amounts of time together, and I am beginning to feel like it is an obligation rather than something I want to do. I recently graduated from college, and have used that as my excuse for the last four years as to why I couldn’t attend this event or that.
Well, now I can’t use that as a reason for not attending the 17,000 family functions, ranging from children’s birthday parties to holidays to family reunions (even though most of our family live in the same city). During the holidays, family time seems like it is 24/7.
I have attempted recently to explain to my mom that normal families don’t spend nearly the time together that we do. She gets extremely upset when I bring this to her attention, and throws motherly guilt everywhere until my sister and I submit.
How can I politely tell my mother that I simply don’t want to spend that much time with her or other family members without moving or offending?
SCOTT: Don’t be so dramatic; you don’t have to move.
At one time or another, we’ve all been there, but you know what? You’re an adult now, all grown up and fresh out of college and for that, I could not be more proud.
Here’s what you do about the family thing: make a New Year’s resolution to start being more assertive in your life and learn to say “No.”
The reason why you’re sick of them is because you feel obligated to attend every get-together, and the minute you exhibit any sign of resistance, momma steps in for her motherly guilt thing and, well, it works. Stop giving in every single time and don’t feel guilty for saying no.
If you start spending time with them more selectively, not only will you stop feeling coerced, you’ll even regain some of that lost specialness.
Wait, is “specialness” even a word? Well, you know what I mean.
Family is important, but it’s equally important to be in control of your own life. Spend time with them when time permits.