Dear Amy: I have been dating a wonderful guy for almost two years. I am 24, and he is 28. He is caring and kind, and we think the world of each other.
Six months into the relationship, we went to visit my parents, who live across the country. Both of us were nervous, as this is the first long-term, serious relationship for each of us – I had never brought anyone home to meet my parents.
My mother told me within two days of meeting him that she thought he was reticent and immature, and that she questioned my judgment. Since then we have visited once more; she acted condescending and rude to him in a way I’ve never seen her act before.
My mother and I are close, and I highly respect her opinion. It saddens me that I have something in my life to be so happy about and can’t share it with her. I can’t talk about him without her cracking a joke or insulting him. When I defend him, she says I’m “blinded by rose-colored glasses.” Any suggestions on how to handle this?
– Torn
Dear Torn: After you examine your mother’s statements to determine their validity, respond to her. Let’s assume her statements about your guy aren’t valid. And let’s assume she is rudely overstepping this boundary, only because she doesn’t yet know where the boundary is.
You’ll draw it.
Write her a letter. That way, you’ll be able to express yourself clearly and your mother can refer to it in case she has a question about how you feel.
Keep your letter warm and affectionate. Tell your mother you respect her opinion. Also tell her that her sarcasm and insults about the person you choose to be with hurt you deeply.
Don’t send your letter for a day or two, to make sure it isn’t hurtful or patronizing. Then stick it in the mail.
…
Dear Amy: My mother and father are 79 and 80 years old. They have bought a new home, their first. We have made plans to give them a housewarming shower. They have never had anything new.
We have had several comments that it was in poor taste, not only because of their age but because they have kept house for all these years and shouldn’t need anything.
– Barbara
Dear Barbara: I don’t love the idea of calling your party a “shower,” but if I were invited to a housewarming “party” for an elderly couple, I would be delighted to go.
In my view, you and your siblings (and perhaps other relatives) should have stepped forward to buy your parents new appliances, cookware, etc. The guests to your housewarming party could bring small items, such as tea towels or salt-and-
pepper shakers – or simply attend this party, congratulate your parents and share their delight in their new home.
Many older couples shed items, so I can understand why people might be confused at the idea of a shower on their behalf. But the idea of starting anew at this age is wonderful, and I wish your folks the best.
…
Dear Amy: After reading several readers’ letters slamming school counselors, I needed to say something supporting them.
My daughter is in junior high. When faced with her parents’ divorce, she opened up to several teachers, who put her in contact with the school counselor.
This woman has been amazing in helping my daughter verbalize and deal with her emotions. She has an open door for my daughter and meets with her on a weekly basis, along with several other girls.
Not all schools have caring, qualified counseling. But there are some out there, and I thank God for providing one for my daughter.
– Grateful In Illinois
Dear Grateful: Unfortunately, the standards for school counselors vary widely from state to state (and school to school); I’m so glad your daughter got lucky. As you say, a qualified and empathetic counselor can make a world of difference.
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