Dear Readers: Several weeks ago, I ran a letter from “Samantha in Denver,” who said that she had been sexually abused by her father as a child. When Samantha told her mother about the abuse, her mother didn’t believe her. Now a wife and mother, Samantha said that she still loved her father, but she wondered if her children were safe when they spent nights at their grandfather’s house.
I recommended that Samantha get counseling to process and perhaps come to terms with what happened to her. I also said that she should never leave her children alone with their grandfather.
I received an outpouring of heartbreaking mail in response to Samantha’s letter. I hope that by running these letters other victims will know that they are not alone. I’m hopeful that sexual-abuse victims – male and female – will seek help.
Victims of sexual crimes can call the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673), or visit rainn.org.
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Dear Amy: I was also molested, from the age of 9 to 12 by my stepfather. From the things that he said to me, I know that he also molested his own granddaughters. I also told my mother, but she didn’t believe me.
I carried the burden of my secret – shame and insecurity.
Finally, when I was 25, a young girl in the youth group I was leading confided in me that her father was sexually assaulting her. My supportive response to her situation also started my own journey as a survivor working with a counselor.
Entering counseling was one of the best decisions in my life. – Kelly in Massachusetts
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Dear Amy: I am an attorney working in the field of child protection. I was also sexually abused, by my uncle from the age of 4 to 12. My mother left me with him for babysitting because, she said, she was too embarrassed to give a reason why he could not watch me.
That man abused my mother and other children.
Children should be educated about “bad touches.” If a child does tell about sexual abuse, the response should be nonjudgmental toward the child, and calm, so that the child does not hold back because of fear of making the adult upset.
There is no shame in being abused. It is the abuser who should be ashamed.
– Been There
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Dear Amy: I also survived sexual abuse by my father from the age of 3 to 12. At the age of 7, I told my mother. Besides not believing me, she washed my mouth out with a bar of soap because she said I was telling lies.
I honestly thought my father would never be stupid or mentally ill enough ever to touch my daughter inappropriately. I was wrong. The guilt I carry for allowing her to spend summers with my parents out-of-state is beyond compare.
– Never Again
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Dear Amy: I was sexually abused by an older cousin as a small girl, and I kept the terrible secret until just a few weeks ago, when he was accused of molesting his granddaughter. As an adult I had thought about coming forward, but more than 40 years had elapsed, and I didn’t want to get into a “he said, she said” thing, so I clung to the disastrous notion that it was a youthful misstep on his part and he wouldn’t do it again.
The most difficult step here is the first one, and that is picking up the phone to call the hotline.
– Colleen in Colorado
Dear Readers: According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes. About 15 percent of American women and 3 percent of men are victims of sexual crimes. Sixty-seven percent of sexual assaults were perpetrated by someone the victim knew. The good news is that sexual crime rates have dramatically fallen over the last 10 years, prompted by increased awareness and reporting.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
