Q: My wife and I have been married for nearly two years and have one child. She recently attended a conference in Atlantic City. On the final night, she went out with several single women and toured several nightspots with an escort of some Army officers.
A single fellow worker made a point of informing me when they got home that he saw her at 4 a.m. with them. When I confronted her with the apparent impropriety of such behavior, she replied that they were officers, so it was acceptable!
She did not mention her outing until I brought it up a week after she returned. Now I feel I can no longer trust her. I also wonder what else she keeps hidden. Is this considered proper behavior for a married woman with a baby?
Danny: There is something to be said about married folks going nuts when they’re away from each other. I see it happen all the time, yet it brings you no comfort and offers no excuse for your wife’s behavior. There is more to be concerned about here than just losing trust over atypical behavior.
Trust must be deeply woven into the fabric of any relationship. You either had it before this incident or you didn’t. It’s time for a “come to Jesus” moment where the following questions are answered: Why the all-nighter? Why the secrecy? Why your paranoia? Why the snitch? There seem to be needs, desires and expectations hiding in the shadows of this relationship.
Proper behavior should be defined by what both of you believe you have the right to establish for each other. Total honesty is the necessary component to keep your trust in place and the marriage intact. Marriage doesn’t have to be solely about playing house, raising kids and paying bills. Take this as your wake-up call for a happier, healthier relationship.
Catherine: Your marriage is screaming for more communication. Please remember that attacking your wife for her “apparent impropriety” will shut all doors of communication. Let your wife know exactly how her actions make you feel.
Yes, her actions were questionable, but every struggling marriage is two-sided. Ask her what is going on in her life and in her heart. Ask her whether she feels loved by you. Ask her what you could do to give her those feelings of love that she desires. If she wants a late night out on the town, then take a nap in the afternoon with the kiddo, get a babysitter, and take your wife out dancing until she can’t feel her feet. Rekindle the romance; don’t just chastise her for her behavior.
Lily: Married, unmarried, baby or no baby, your wife’s behavior wasn’t wrong. She was with a group and there were other women with her, so it doesn’t sound as if “cheat on husband” was in her day planner. If she didn’t feel it necessary to tell you, maybe it was because she knows you trust her.
The baby part of your question needs to be addressed. Your wife is a mom, sure, but that doesn’t make her stop being a woman. She wants to feel special, she wants attention, and she wants romance. So offer it to her!
If the 4 a.m. part of her night out bothers you, tell her. If the Army escort part bothers you, tell her. But cut her some slack. Just because she was out in the wee hours with guys (and girls) doesn’t automatically means she is unhappy with you or the marriage. It just means she was with a group, having fun. Don’t read too much into it. Instead, add some “dates” to your lives.
And give her the credit she deserves; being a mom and a wife … we should all get medals! Que vivan las esposas! Que vivan las mamas!
GLOSSARY
– Que vivan las esposas! Que vivan las mámas!: Hurray for wives! Hurray for mothers!
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
