Dear Amy: Two years ago, we asked both of our daughters to think of something “special” that they would want for Christmas. Our oldest daughter asked for a washer and dryer. Our younger daughter received a dining room set.
The washer and dryer were delivered and our daughter invited us to come over to see them. She was truly happy with the gift, but our son-in-law was quiet, so I asked him if he liked their Christmas gift, to which he replied, “The washer and dryer were a gift to your daughter, not me!” Our daughters and son-in-law bought us a computer. Not being all that smart when it comes to modern technology, I asked them if they would help me learn how to use it. They sent two of our four grandsons over and they raced through the “how to.” We gave them money and CDs and learned absolutely nothing from this crash course. When I finally asked our daughters for help, they replied, “We knew we should have never bought you a computer!” This cutting remark hurt, so last Christmas I told our daughters and son-in-
law that we were not accepting gifts of any kind. My husband said that he wanted to give the girls and our son-in-law each a small sum of money.
Our youngest daughter delivered our gifts of money to everyone.
Needless to say, no one bothered to call or even send an e-mail to say thanks.
I’ve told my husband that I want to discontinue not only Christmas gifts but also birthday gifts. I won’t feel guilty because they don’t recognize our birthdays or Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
– Truly Hurt
Dear Hurt: It’s clear to me that your family uses material goods, gifts and money as a way to show affection – and withdraw it. You’ve got yourself a full-scale war – and for what? You have taught both of your daughters (and they are teaching their children) how to live in a family – and you’ve done a pretty poor job of it. Until you and your husband assume some leadership here and ratchet down your material pummeling, you’re not going to make any headway. It’s time to start from scratch.
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Dear Amy: A writer asked how she could get her sister to stop shortening her son’s name from “Alexander” to “Al.” She should create a little nickname for “Auntie” in response.
Each time her son is referred to as Al, she should immediately refer to Auntie by her unwanted nickname.
If Auntie says, “I love Al’s new toy,” she should respond with a smile and say, “Oh, Alexander, Aunt ‘Fluffy’ loves your new toy!” She will then know how it feels to be called by an unwanted name.
I’ve used this technique myself and it works!
– Ross’ Mom (Not Rossy)
Dear Ross’ Mom: Lowering yourself to someone else’s level only works if you REALLY know your audience (I can imagine it backfiring and making matters worse).
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Dear Amy: This is responding to a recent letter from a reader wondering how to politely decline an invitation to a “destination wedding.” Although you are correct in your advice that guests don’t need to offer any explanation or excuse, most of the narcissists who plan these weddings are offended when their invitees don’t give up a chunk of their life and an even bigger wad of money to attend a ceremony in a place that most often is meaningless to all involved.
Couples act clueless to the burden this places on family and friends, particularly elderly grandparents and those with children who are left behind.
– Sick Of It
Dear Sick: With the AVERAGE cost of weddings now at $27,000, some tactless couples are using these destination weddings as ways to limit their “acceptance” list.
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