Dear Amy: My sister and I are 1 1/2 years apart. As teens we smoked pot, shared boyfriends, went to crazy parties, drank alcohol and were pretty wild.
Fast forward 15 years. We have both settled down, both have young children and have cleaned up completely. I want to keep my background from my kids. I believe in the power of role models and think it would give my children a bad example of Mom’s choices. My sister wants to tell all. She would agree to not telling my kids, but she wants to “come clean” with her own.
Cousins will talk! Can I reasonably ask my sister to at least lie about my behavior?
– Worried
Dear Worried: You shouldn’t ask your sister to lie about your behavior. You should insist that she not talk about your behavior at all.
It’s important for parents to convey to children that they were young once, faced temptation and perhaps made poor choices. (You and your sister were lucky if neither one of you had an unplanned pregnancy, STD or other consequence of risk-taking behavior.) But spare kids certain salacious details, unless there is a point to telling – if these experiences are germane to a kid’s experiences.
But your story is yours to tell, or not, in your own way. Ask your sister to leave you out of anecdotes. If “cousins will talk,” tell your kids that if they have questions about their aunt’s behavior, they should ask her.
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Dear Amy: I am almost 13 and have a 15-year-old sister who acts like she’s 2. “Katie” will tell me to die or say I have no friends. This is a sign of jealousy, because I have always had more friends and get better grades.
Her comments have gotten to me, and after four years, I have started to react. Our dad is single and gets mad at me when I react to the rude things my sister says. I don’t want to be blamed for this anymore.
– Not My Fault
Dear Not: My older sisters would stand in the living room and fake hit themselves, then call out to our mother and “tattle” on me. It’s the oldest trick in the book, but she fell for it – until I explained things.
You need some time alone with your father. Ask him for a “date” with just the two of you, either out of the house or even at home (or in the car). Write down some of your thoughts in advance, choose a time when you’re calm and your dad is relaxed, and tell him what is happening and how you feel.
If you are stronger and doing better than your sister socially, your father might think things don’t bother you. But bullying is wrong, painful and potentially serious – whether it’s from a kid at school or your own sister. Your father needs to take this seriously, listen to you and help you devise a strategy to deal with it. He also needs to deal with your sister, one-on-one, and enforce a no-tolerance policy against bullying.
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Dear Amy: I am responding to a letter from a guy who said he was presentable, went to church, loved to cook but couldn’t get a girl because of a speech impediment.
I remember years ago in college there was a guy at a mixer who could hardly walk, even with a cane. But he wore great clothes, acted chipper and was surrounded by the girls.
Well, I had a speech impediment but decided that if he could do it, I could too. I started talking. It helps to have something interesting to talk about. The guy should go to a significant movie, get on a ski slope or see an art exhibit – not to necessarily meet anyone but to morph into an exciting person a girl wants to have around.
Then just start talking! The girls will hear what he has to say but will ignore how he says it because the hormones take over when there is a presentable, exciting guy around.
– Been There
Dear Been There: Great style will overcome most impediments, as you point out. Here’s another tip: Don’t just talk. Ask. Ask people to tell their stories. People value a listener too.
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
