Q: A parent from my son’s nursery school dropped by with her two boys, ages 4 and 6. The boys began to play with my 4-year-old son and my 3-year-old daughter in the front yard. I went to check on them and found the visitors were using toys as weapons to chase my kids. The boys grabbed balls and ran into the neighbor’s yard to use their basketball hoop. Next thing I knew they were kicking at my son to keep the balls away from him. I stepped outside and told the visiting youngster to “never do that again.” He went crying to his mother. Throughout this ordeal the mother weakly mumbled directions, but her boys ignored her entirely. It was the longest hour of my life. Should you control someone else’s children when the parent is sitting right there?
– M.V.
A: Yes. Take action when you see that visiting children are ignoring the rules even if the parent is present. Having guests doesn’t mean you must suspend your rules and operate on the visitors’ level.
Rules must be backed up by immediate action. For example: Talk directly to the child, Say, “Steve, I’m taking this toy away because you are not using it properly. We don’t use toys to hit or threaten others. That’s the rule.”
If hitting or kicking occur go directly to the child, and tell him the rule in a voice full of conviction, “No hitting or kicking, period.”
Tell the visiting mother, “I want my children to know that everyone has to play by the rules. I’ve learned that if I don’t take action promptly children are likely to ignore what I say.”
She may be upset; on the other hand, she may have learned how to stop her boys from misbehaving. Allowing youngsters to run amok is no help to them at all. If they continue to be unruly and disrespectful they will surely be unwelcome.
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Q: I’m a single parent who has been divorced for five years. I have finally met someone I really like. The problem is my 12-year-old daughter gets upset every time I go out with my new friend. She says she doesn’t want me to leave and frequently cries when we go out. If I invite him to the house she acts very cool and isn’t friendly at all. He tries to be nice and even brings her books and toys. How can I get her to understand that I care about her but I enjoy having a friend and companion?
– G.L.
A: Don’t try to get her to understand. You don’t have to have her approval to enjoy the companionship of a friend. If she senses that you need her approval it is likely that she will prolong her objections. Announce plans with your friend in a guilt-free way, and never end your sentences with “Is that OK?”
Your daughter sees your friend as a rival and will need some time before she can feel that he is her friend as well.
Arrange for her to have a girlfriend spend the night when you go out.
Write Cathleen Brown care of The Denver Post, 1560 Broadway, Denver, CO 80202 or CABrown500@yahoo.com.
