Q: My husband goes to the cantina every weekend, either Friday or Saturday or both. He does not like going out with my daughter and me. If it has to do with his family, however, he wants me there.
I have a well-paying job. He doesn’t ask whether bills are paid. He doesn’t work 40 hours every week, so he brings home only enough money to buy groceries and pay his child support and IRS payment. He says he’s doing his best.
His dicho is, “¿Como quieres que te de si no hice suficiente dinero?” I have spoken to the priest at church, and he asked me, “¿Qué é estás haciendo con él? Tu vales mucho!”
I married him because I believed he loved me, but now I don’t know. I asked him to go to counseling, but he does not want to. What do I do?
Danny: If I could have my cake and eat it too, I would already be married to someone like you. The truth is your man is not so much in love with you as he is with the security this charade brings when he’s in front of his family.
The barhopping certainly has to stop. Every so often would be OK, but every weekend? Claro que no! Ultimatums are so good in these situations, especially when you have tried to do the right thing. If you can face yourself in the mirror and know you have done all you can, then your dicho can be, “Mira, viejo, yo le doy, tu te la llevas, ahora me voy.”
I side with your priest on this one, and concur on the value of your existence. And since I considered the priesthood myself at one point in my life, I have to tell you that things do change. With every change comes a responsibility to do the right thing and the best thing for you. Get a plan together for you and your daughter, and don’t be afraid to move forward.
Catherine: Marriage is a covenant, a solemn agreement. Just because your husband doesn’t seem to be holding up his end of the bargain doesn’t mean you should leave him.
Because you feel unloved, your natural tendency will be a negative one. It will be easy to nag and attack your husband. This will only make matters worse.
As difficult as it may be, focus on the positive. What do you want from your husband? Emphasize to him that he has the capacity to make you happy. Try to set some goals together about how he can make you feel loved and you can make him feel respected. This is what we all want.
I am not disagreeing with your priest’s assessment that you have much value, but you can be confident that when you are pursuing reconciliation, you are close to the will of God.
Lily: God helps those who help themselves. So help yourself to a healthier life by letting this man go. Your focus should be you and your daughter.
Think about it – what kind of example are you setting for your daughter? That it’s OK to be mistreated by a man? That it’s OK to not feel like you deserve better? Don’t worry so much about his love for you; love yourself enough to put you and your daughter first.
Glossary
dicho: saying ¿Cómo quieres que te dé si no hice suficiente dinero? How do you want me to give it to you if I didn’t make enough money?
¿Qué é estás haciendo con él? Tu vales mucho! What are you doing with him? You deserve better! (Literally: You are worth so much.)
Claro que no: of course not
Mira, viejo, yo le doy, tu te la llevas, ahora me voy: Look, fella, I work hard, you take advantage, now I leave.
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or write to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
