Q: I’ve been with my husband for five years. We’ve had problems since the day we moved in together. After I got pregnant with our first child, I found letters from his ex in Mexico saying that she still loved him and that she would wait for him. Lately, I have been finding phone numbers of other girls in his clothes.
He has always been real macho, real old-fashioned. We’re not very old – we’re both 24 – but he believes que el hombre manda en la casa, even though he has never been able to keep a job long enough to support our family.
All my family and friends want me to leave him porque me maltrata, emotionally, mentally and physically. Recently, I cheated on him, and he found out. We decided to work on our relationship, but I can’t forget what he has put me through. I now see what my family has always warned me about, but I don’t know how to get out. I’m scared he will try to take my kids when I am at work. What should I do?
Catherine: As strange as it may sound, you are in a good place. You finally see your husband with honest eyes and realize action is needed to help repair your broken vows. I always support marriage reconciliation efforts, but it will be extra difficult here because you both have been unfaithful, and each of you has to rebuild trust.
You will need several things to make it work: First, both of you need to work through your own issues instead of blaming each other. Second, you will need strong support. If this can’t come from your family, surround yourself with a church group or friends who want to help make your marriage a success. Finally, you need professional counseling to mediate your expressions of hurt, guilt and desires for the future.
The best thing you and your husband can do for your children is show them love and commitment in your marriage. Good luck; it will be a long road.
Lily: The pair of you need to own up to the fact that you both need help. You’ve had problems from the beginning. So why did you get married in the first place? And then you cheat. Why? To make things better?
Have a family member take care of your kids if you are concerned for their safety. You can even file a restraining order if you are serious about a divorce.
But it looks as if the red flags have been there for a while, and you did not do anything. If you guys are going to work it out and then not commit to it, then you have only yourselves to blame for this recurring cycle of abuse. If you are seeking a healthier lifestyle for all involved, make a decision and stick to it. All this cannot be good for your children.
Danny: The only thing you need to acknowledge is that this marriage is over. This relationship should have been over the first time el rey abused you in any manner. Marriages must have trust, care, love and compassion. You have violence, abuse and infidelity.
I’m not sure what “good place” Catherine is referring to, but you are and have been in a bad place for a very long time. There is no option to rebuild here unless you’re a masochist. Your husband’s lack of self-esteem will continue to destroy the marriage, and as long as you don’t value your own existence, no one will. Now is your opportunity to save yourself and the kids from a cycle of abuse.
You have the answer to your own question, so find a safe haven among family if possible. Our readers hold a wealth of knowledge and will provide us with a number of organizations able to help. Folks, send us your thoughts and help us help this woman.
Glossary
que el hombre manda en la casa: that the man governs the household
porque me maltrata: because he treats me badly
el rey: the king
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
