Dear Amy: I have a stepniece who is 13 and has recently begun asking me questions about sex. It is apparent from the questions she asked that she needs basic factual information.
I don’t want to close any channels of communication, so I gave her a little factual information but suggested that she needs to discuss this with her parents. She is not comfortable talking with her stepfather (my brother) because their relationship is fairly new (he’s been married to her mother for four years), and she says that her mother doesn’t talk about things like this.
I offered to consult with her mother, and she seemed very happy with that, but my sister-in-law is convinced that if you talk to kids about sex, then you are encouraging them to race out and do it.
I tried to reason with her and even showed her a survey to the contrary. She is adamant, and now my stepniece is coming back to me for information.
My brother thinks this situation is all wrong but doesn’t want to interfere because he will alienate his wife.
I’m very fond of this girl and don’t like to see her confused and unhappy, but I also don’t want to go behind her mother’s back.
They don’t belong to a church, so there is no way to bring a priest in as an adviser.
What do you advise?
– Maggy
Dear Maggy: Your sister-in-law has a parental right to try to control whatever information her daughter is privy to, and though I think it is a huge mistake to withhold sexual and health information from young people, unfortunately this mistake is the mother’s to make.
Your brother, however, needs to get more involved in his stepdaughter’s life. If he is afraid of alienating his wife after four years of marriage, then he isn’t taking his role as a husband and stepfather seriously enough. He can be more of an advocate for this girl, and he should be.
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Dear Amy: I just got my license and a car, and I am very happy that I can visit my boyfriend, who lives 25 miles away, whenever I please. The problem is that I have to pay for all my own gas (even for school), while he gets unlimited gas money from his parents.
He has offered to pay for part of my gas when I make these trips. I hate borrowing money, so my first reaction was to refuse, but because my job doesn’t start until summer and my lunch money will barely get me to school and back, I can’t afford to drive there. Is it right to accept his offer?
– Torn
Dear Torn: Take your guy up on his offer to share the gas burden. But this money shouldn’t be considered a “loan.” If he is offering to pitch in, then the two of you should figure out an equitable way for him to do so, just as you would if you were going out to eat or to a movie. Of course, if he drives to see you, then that takes care of the problem, right?
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