Dear Amy: During a previous professional position, I had a great mentor – a high-ranking VP at a great firm with the position I dream of achieving.
He was originally my supervisor, and when I moved on within the company he continued to give me great career advice and allowed me to use his connections to advance my career.
I have now moved on to a different company and location, (thousands of miles away), though we still correspond by phone and e-mail.
Right before I left, I felt the relationship was getting a little too “friendly” and suspected he was hitting on me.
Now, however, it is getting worse – to the point where I am uncomfortable talking to him because it always leads down this road.
I really want to keep this man as my mentor because he’s awesome, gives great career advice and has incredible connections, but is this salvageable now that he has gone down this road? How should I handle this? I am tempted to write him an e-mail and just “straighten him out,” but I’m not sure.
Is he a creep and I just need to accept it? I am happily married with a family!
– Need a Mentor in St. Louis
Dear Need: You should have “straightened him out” when this behavior started making you uncomfortable, but perhaps you were too focused on your career advancement to worry about how his personal behavior might escalate and affect both of you down the road.
In general, it’s a good idea to set people straight as soon as they ramble off the path – to let this go on uncorrected makes you seem like a careerist.
You should phone your mentor, tell him that some of his behavior has made you uncomfortable, and say that if anything you have said or done during your association has given him the wrong idea, then you apologize. Tell him that you appreciate all he has done for you but that the relationship needs to remain professional.
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Dear Amy: We are invited to a wedding this summer. The invitation is formal with an RSVP card. It is addressed to my husband and me, with our first names on the inside envelope, so there is no question that the rest of the family is not included.
What makes me feel so bad is that the bride knows my entire family really well. She was our summer employee on our ranch and got to know my daughters quite well. Her younger brother has been close buddies with my son for years and even roomed with him at college last year.
Knowing that our kids have been excluded, it is hard for us to get excited about attending. The kids are old enough to know how to conduct themselves properly.
My son is puzzled as to why he did not receive an invite. We know that the reception will probably be expensive, as it is at the country club where we are members. As far as I know, there are no hard feelings between the families, and we always visit with them when we see them at school events.
How do you suggest we handle it?
– Disappointed Guest
Dear Disappointed: This wedding is not about you or your family.
People get married all the time and don’t include the bride’s brother’s roommate from college or the bride’s former employer’s wonderful daughter – even if they are very fond of them.
Many weddings are small, intimate events with just family and a very few friends present. It was thoughtful of this young couple to invite you and your husband to represent your family at their wedding.
Little did they know that you would interpret their thoughtfulness as a slight. If you can’t help but take this exclusion personally, then you should decline when you send in your RSVP.
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