Dear Amy: My 19-year-old son is involved with a very manipulative and controlling girl (they met this past year in college).
She verbally abuses him when he won’t spend every free moment with her and do what she wants. She threatens acts of self-mutilation to control him.
When my son at times shows some backbone and stands up to her verbal abuse, she knows exactly what to do: She apologizes and acts nice again. As long as they do what she wants, they are fine together.
Otherwise, the fits of anger and verbal abuse begin. Unfortunately, my son gives in to keep her happy and to avoid the emotional turmoil of her outbursts.
My son just came home from college, and it has been a nightmare dealing with the emotional ups and downs concerning this girl.
This girl lives on her own in an apartment and is now pressuring our son to move in with her. My husband and I fear that she will even go so far as to become pregnant to cement a long-term relationship with him.
He says he wants to break off the relationship, but he doesn’t know how. She knows how to push the right buttons to keep him coming back after one of their big fights. She hates us because we get in the way.
This relationship has isolated him from friends and family.
How do we help our son understand that he is in a very abusive, destructive relationship that must end – without alienating him and pushing him more toward her?
– Very Worried Parents
Dear Worried: I understand your alarm. Your son is a victim of abuse, and even though we are conditioned to see men as aggressors, men can be victims of domestic abuse too – people just don’t talk about it as much.
Your son needs to recognize what is going on and see that this is unhealthy. At his age, he is still learning about relationships; the last thing you want is for him to think that this sort of treatment is normal.
You and your husband should encourage your son to sit down with both of you and a counselor to talk about this situation.
Don’t insist that he leave this relationship, but express your worries and give him an opportunity to see this relationship through your eyes. The more he learns about emotional abuse, the more strength he might gain to end this destructive partnership.
A book that all of you might find helpful is “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing,” by Beverly Engel (2003, Wiley).
Engel uses examples from abusers and those abused (both men and women).
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Dear Amy: My mother married her fourth husband after I had already left the house and started my adult life.
They have been married for almost 10 years and live in another state. I like and respect my stepfather. The problem is that every single time I talk to my mother on the phone, she insists on handing the phone to him.
Amy, even though I like the man, I feel no need to talk to him every time I talk to my mother. Most times, we don’t have anything to say.
How can I stop my mother from handing him the phone so often – without offending her or hurting his feelings?
– Phonephobic
Dear Phonephobic: The next time your mother hands the phone to her husband, you can say, “Oh, Don. You poor guy – I’m sorry that Mom makes you talk to me like this.” Then you laugh and tell him that the two of you might have to stage an “intervention” with your mother.
When your mother gets back on the phone, tell her that you and Don don’t need to talk each and every time you call.
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