Q: I’m in love with someone who happens to be married. But she is in love with someone other than her husband, a man who, in my opinion, is just using her for sex.
She and I are best friends and have shared a lot of things in our lives. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with her. Every time she tells me about the other man in her life, it really hurts me. I have told her how I feel, but she ignores me.
As far as her husband, I don’t think the love is there anymore. How can I make her believe that my love for her is real? She means a lot to me, and I don’t want to see her hurt.
Catherine: Where do I start? How about your first sentence?
You treat this woman’s marriage as if it were a minor inconvenience. She is someone’s WIFE. To truly love her is to respect her marriage, even if she doesn’t seem too committed to her husband.
Stay away from romances with married people. If they are unfaithful to their spouse now, they will probably be unfaithful to you.
Danny: I’m so dizzy! I think I’ve got it, though. You don’t see the love, you can’t feel the love, and you want to save her from extramarital sex – at least for now, with someone other than yourself. As soon as she stops ignoring you, real love will kick in and both of you will stop hurting.
I hate to tell you this, buddy, but you are in another predictable love story, and there’s no happy ending in sight.
Save yourself from a future of lies and deception. The only real truths in this whole mess are that she’s not interested in you; she uses you to justify her adultery; and no one seems to care about the husband – you know, that guy she lives with, the one with whom she exchanged sacred vows.
There are four characters in your story: the victim (not you), a villain (not you), the mystery man (the sex guy, but still not you) and a zero (YOU).
Rewrite the next chapter of this predictable and deceitful love story. By walking away from this situation, you can eliminate the other three characters and become the hero.
Lily: I had to draw a chart just to sort out all of these conflicted relationships. You both need boundaries; you need to be a friend, and she needs to be a wife.
Just as she remains blind to the intentions of Guy No. 2, you too are playing a great Helen Keller when pretending not to see or hear her lack of interest in you.
Want to be a friend? Encourage her to sort things out in her marriage. Can’t be a friend? Walk away and save yourself a world full of hurt and unrequited love.
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, care of Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
