Dear Amy: I am a college student home for the summer.
I am a very open-minded person and nothing of a racist. So when I come home to my parents and they use the “N” word on a regular basis, I’m bothered by it.
My parents aren’t overt racists. They are not card-carrying members of the KKK, and they do not promote unequal rights. Nevertheless, they consistently judge people based on their skin color.
Someone who is on welfare and poor but is white is merely that, but the same person who is black is the “N” word to them. They (especially my mother) constantly use the word and have used it in front of my friends.
I get upset about it and they just chuckle as if it is funny that they’re upsetting me. They have no idea of the true shame I feel because of it.
I don’t like going to family functions on my mother’s side because her siblings are even worse. It is disgusting. They tell racist jokes that border on the promotion of hate crimes. I worry about the impressions they make on my younger siblings.
I have tried to explain my views to my mother but she laughs it off. I feel like the only refuge I will have from this is to move away from home when I graduate from college.
I hate my parents’ ignorance, but I don’t want to hate them. I want to be proud of the family I come from, but all I feel is shame. What should I do?
– Confused in College
Dear Confused: Anyone who uses the “N” word and laughs about it is an overt racist. You don’t have to be a card-carrying member of the KKK to be a racist – please be clear about this.
Of course you are ashamed of your parents and extended family. They don’t have a disease that you should feel guilty about loathing – they are making hateful choices.
Every time they choose to use this sort of language, they demonstrate how little they regard the rights of others – including yours, of course.
I hope that you do everything possible to influence your younger siblings. Clearly you came out of this household able to make your own choice to respect others. You should do your best to make sure that your siblings know that racism in its many forms (in both word and deed) is wrong.
After you’ve done everything possible to persuade your parents to stop using this hateful term, then it’s time to leave the room whenever you hear it. And then it will be time to make a decision to leave home altogether.
It is possible to hate your parents’ actions without hating them, and I can tell that in your struggle to draw this distinction, you are on your way toward figuring this out.
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