Q: I’ve been living with my husband in his parents’ house for about a year. In the beginning, everything was fine. His mother had a job, and while she was away and I wasn’t studying for school, I helped out with chores around the house, including cooking and cleaning.
Since I’ve had a baby, about seven months ago, she expects me to continue with household duties as I did before and doesn’t take into account the time it takes to raise a child. When I accused her of treating me like her maid, we had a huge argument and would’ve traded punches if my husband hadn’t stepped between us.
My husband doesn’t have a job right now, so we’re in no position to find a place of our own. Since the fight, he has started to take his mother’s side more often over mine, which adds to the biggest problem of all: He is weak and allows his parents to control him.
I know I should make peace with everyone – if only for my baby’s sake – but there’s something inside of me that can’t stand to let my mother-in-law have the satisfaction of thinking that she is right. I’m only 26 and don’t want to spend my life being bitter. What should I do?
Lily: First off, congrats on your new baby. Second, stop acting like one. You knew that living with ANYONE’S parents was going to cause turmoil, so your mother-in-law’s behavior should not surprise you.
She believes it’s a fair exchange: her house, your chores. Make peace, and do not burn any bridge that you might need later. Start saving for your own apartment or house. Don’t like the living conditions? Place all efforts toward finding a new home.
Danny: Bridges, smidges! Burn it and stand your ground. The best way to deal with overbearing mothers like this is to fight back. With this said, a healthy environment for your child is important. This does not mean you become the slave while your spineless, unemployed husband does – what, exactly?
Make amends. Sit down like adults and agree to where, when and what you will and can do. You don’t have to like this woman, but you must respect her home. Raising your child takes priority, and all parties must understand that the child comes first, then your comforts.
You must have known what type of man you were marrying, yet you did it anyway. Now you have a child and live with a monster-in-law. You made the choices that brought you here; now plan the choices that get you out. There is actually some practical information in Lily’s response about doing whatever it takes to make your own home. Whatever the compromise, it needs to include a plan for departure.
Catherine: The deeper issue seems to be your passive husband. As women, if we see a man being weak, we come on strong to get the job done. Your husband sounds as if he has been overpowered by his mother his entire life. If he hasn’t before, it’s unlikely he will step up to the plate now.
Still, think about it. If you are taking care of everything by getting the job, cleaning the house and raising your child, why should he do anything? Back off, let him feel the pressure and give him time to step up.
Don’t boss him around, nag him or talk to him like he is your child. Even if he is not acting like the man of the house, try to treat him this way. Ask him what his goals are and encourage him to reach them. Let him know that you love him, and that you look forward to him providing for his family like the man you know he is. You’ll be shocked at the power of positive expectations.
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, care of Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
