Dear Amy: I am 29 years old. I have been living with my 26-year-old boyfriend for about three years.
Lately I have been thinking about breaking up with him and moving out of the house we share into a flat by myself.
He is not violent or abusive, but I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
I prefer socializing with friends by myself rather than with him because I feel happier, relaxed and authentically myself when he is not around.
And I don’t feel I trust or love him. I feel bored. And the sex is dull. The conversation is dull too. And I censor saying what I think or feel because he wants to debate everything I say to convince me that what I think or feel is wrong.
But he’s not a bad person, all my friends adore him and he loves me. I’m afraid that if I leave, I’ll regret it and be lonely and alone for the rest of my life. What should I do?
– Not Sure
Dear Not: Sometimes the three-year mark is a watershed period in relationships. You seem to fear that your life’s options consist of either staying in a relationship that brings you no joy or leaving and being regretful and lonely for the rest of your life.
Until you develop your own capacity for joy and fulfillment, you could be regretful and lonely for the rest of your life, regardless of what relationship you might or might not be in.
The relationship you have with yourself is lifelong, and if you feel secure about who you are, then your other choices will be clearer.
If you give your guy the opportunity to accompany you on your life’s journey and all he wants to do is argue about the route, then it might be better for you to go solo.
…
Dear Amy: When my two eldest kids were little, I took them out to eat once a week at a family-style restaurant. They knew the consequences if they behaved badly. I can’t tell you the number of times that people would stop by our table on their way out and very quietly compliment me and my kids on their “lovely manners.” My children were in awe of this positive attention, and I noticed they rarely had to be reminded that being in a public place meant being on their best behavior.
These two kids are now 40 and 42 years old and their kids are just as well-behaved, so it occurs to me that a little positive reinforcement once in a while might go a long way to curing some of the dreadful behavior we are subjected to, thanks to parents who are too lazy or overwhelmed to teach manners to their kids.
– Chris in Ashland, Ore.
Dear Chris: Your letter illustrates very basic and important parenting tools – consequences and positive reinforcement. When children aren’t able to handle themselves well in a public place, then parents need to scoop them up and remove them – if possible before their behavior disintegrates and disturbs people around them.
This simple act demonstrates to kids that their behavior matters and that they need to develop the capacity to control themselves.
Then you have to catch your children being good. Positive and declarative statements are very powerful parenting tools.
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