Q: Scott – I have a friend who is having a tough time lately and starting to make me miserable, too. Her friends (and ex-lovers) are getting married, buying houses, having babies and all seem to be very happy while she’s still stuck in the same dead-end job in the same crappy apartment and with no boyfriend, or even a prospect.
To make matters worse, her birthday is just around the corner, and she’s starting to become convinced that she will never marry and have children – something she wants desperately. I feel for her and want to help, but she’s become so miserable to be around.
She’s constantly complaining about her life and how “everyone” is having all these wonderful things happen to them and how she can never catch a break. She demands attention, gets her feelings hurt at the drop of a hat, and expects everyone to tell her how sorry they are for her all the time and how great she really is.
She’s so negative, I’ve been avoiding her lately because I’m tired of hearing about it and feel like she drains all my energy when I’m around her. I’ve tried to approach the subject of her seeking therapy, but she won’t listen. She always changes the subject. Is there anything I can do to help her out of her slump or should I just change my phone number?
– Friend of the martyr
SCOTT: Poor friend of the martyr, I feel horrible about all these things that have happened to your pal: dead-end job, crappy apartment AND what? No man? I can’t imagine why… Now that her birthday’s coming and she realizes she’ll never be married, never have children and can’t catch a break. Pitiful!
It’s very kind of you to offer helpful suggestions, but do you know why she doesn’t listen to you? Because she doesn’t want to listen. What’s the point of getting help when she can continue to drain you and your friends? That’s her hook that gets her all that attention. You even said it yourself: you’re the friend of the martyr. Well, leave it to a good ol’ martyr friend to bring you down and ruin everyone’s day!
You have to tell her that she’s absolutely draining to be around and don’t let her change the subject. She needs to know what a liability of a friend she is. Unfortunately, staying the same is easier than changing so if you don’t see a difference, do what you have to do to save yourself and create some distance. Change your phone number and if necessary, your name too.