Dear Amy: I was adopted as a baby. My family told me that I was adopted when I was 6. I am now married with two children, ages 14 and 12.
My father died before my children were born, and my mother is 85 and in poor health. Although my adoption records were sealed, I was able to get the name of my birth mother, and I discovered a half-sister (10 years older) as well. We met and still keep in touch.
Unfortunately, my birth mother died at age 62.
I am now wondering if and when I should tell my own children that I was adopted. They ask about pictures around the house that were given to me by my half-sister, and I have lied to them. I have a picture of my birth mother when she was 5 years old, and I have told them that the picture is of Grandma (my adopted mother). I tell my children that my half-sister is my good friend.
I don’t like to lie to my children, and now that they’re older, it seems very unnatural.
Please tell me when a good time would be to fill them in on this secret, and how to go about it. They will need to know the truth for health history reasons. They will have a gap in their history, just as I’ve had a gap in mine. Should I wait until they are adults, or tell them sooner?
– Adopted Mom
Dear Mom: Tell your children the truth right now. Family secrets have a way of gaining steam as time goes by, and this will only get harder for all of you. The last thing you want is to continue to lie to your children and then have them feel bad about this ongoing deception later on.
It might help if you actually write down your thoughts and then practice what you are going to say. I know it sounds strange, but rehearsing a difficult conversation works (you’ve probably rehearsed this dozens of times in your head anyway).
Tell them that you have something important to tell them, pull out the photographs, and tell them your story – simply and plainly.
Your kids will probably have some questions. Answer them as well as you can – or offer to do your best to find out.
Once things are out in the open, talking about your family history will be natural.
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Dear Amy: I have a friend who is like a sister to me. We’ve drifted apart over the last few years, and when we finally reconnected (after I searched for her), I found that she had become absorbed by a certain popular pseudo-religion very prominent in Hollywood these days.
She has given up all of her material things and has moved into their facility. She works for them for free and has completely given up her dreams and any relationship that involves family or friends outside the “Church.” She says she is “like a nun” now and has no interests outside of her group.
She is cool and distant.
I am torn between writing an angry letter, pouring out my fears, hurt and absolute panic at losing her, and trying to maintain contact with a neutral, happy letter letting her know about my life in the hopes that she may some day snap out of it.
How do you cope when you feel your best friend has been brainwashed by a cult and there is nothing you can do about it? I am all for religious freedom, but this group is not religion, and it is not free.
– Grieving a Lost Friend
Dear Grieving: You should write, and be honest and loving. I don’t think it’s useful to pour out your “fears, hurt and absolute panic.” You should be the best approximation of your natural self, as you try to keep the door to your friendship open.
This is a very sad loss to you and to her family. You might want to contact them to talk this through.
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